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| 1990s style: How to Meet the Perfect Stranger Karen Dale, MSW, Silicon Valley resident and investigative reporter for Clever Magazine The Internet is the greatest paradox of the 1990s. It is lauded for bringing people together in a "global community" and enabling communication across distances with extraordinary ease. To support this feat, however, the people whose careers revolve around creating the technology, producing the equipment, and enhancing the services find themselves dedicating most of their time to their work. As they work to support the mechanisms of global communication, their own energy for real-time human contact diminishes. The success-oriented and financially competitive climate of our 1990s society compels work rather than personal interactions to the central focus of life. Fewer opportunities for meeting people and socializing with peers present themselves. One solution to this dilemma has come about through the same modality that actually created the problem in the first place. People are now turning to the Internet to connect with others and satisfy their need for human interaction. |
Making connections in the '90s: Websites geared toward connecting individuals have expanded on our quaint concept of "computer dating". No longer is it necessary to suffer dating-service embarrassment in order to be matched via "computer technology" with other eligible singles. This new match-making technology is based on the fact that people don't have the time to invest in the more traditional methods of meeting people. Additionally, the convenience and ease of the Internet enables individuals to fulfill their need for connection on various levels, not just to find the love of their lives. Pen-pals, rollerblading buddies, and one-night-stands can find one another without having to leave the house (or office). One can invest as much or little effort as they choose in finding the type of interaction they seek. Part I: Selecting the site (links to some of these sites appear at the end of this article) Match-making websites are best described as "Personal Introduction" sites. An absolute bevy of these sites are operating to bring people together in an un-sleazy, non-threatening, pride-preserving way. I have explored innumerable introduction sites and I have narrowed them down to two basic types: personal ad listings and introduction services. Personal ad listings: The first, and least ingenious, is the type of site that maintains listings of basic, single-paragraph personal ads. They are short, impersonal advertisements of an individual's features and attributes. It is next to impossible to begin to make a heartfelt connection with someone based only on shallow descriptions and clever slogans. These sites generally do not have the capability to search for people with specific qualities or to match individuals based on shared characteristics, so searching these ads can be quite labor-intensive. For example, it is often difficult to develop a pool of ads based on a specific geographic region. There is little difference between these sites and newspaper personal ads. The most positive feature is that these services are generally free. A few examples of this type are WebPersonals, Internet Personals, and search-engine-based listings such as those on Yahoo! |
Introduction services: The second type can be categorized as an introduction service. These websites ask for varying depths of information about a person which is compiled into a detailed profile to be perused by other service members. Once a profile is created, it is entered into a searchable database which has the ability to "match" it with other member profiles based on their identifying information. Or members can perform "searches", looking for people who meet their specific criteria. Other frequently-offered services include relationship magazines, dating advice, chat rooms, and daily automatic matching. Some offer specific services for people seeking same-sex relationships, purely physical encounters, or matches based on religious similarities. Some examples of introduction services include Match.com, Matchmaker, and Webpersonals. Unlike the personal ads mentioned earlier, these expanded services come at a cost. There are two basic fee strategies: the monthly fee for unlimited services, and the charge-per-action method. Match.com charges about $15 per month for unlimited searching, and they'll give you a price break for signing on for a greater number of months. With the second strategy, it is generally free to receive email and browse profiles, but there is a charge to initiate contact or do expanded searches. The fees are generally minimal and are collected through secured methods. |
Part II: Insuring your safety on the Internet The question of safety invariably arises when discussing new applications of technology. It is my impression that these are very safe and protected websites, used by people who genuinely want the service and respect the limits. The sites are non-threatening and completely confidential, with clear guidelines and consequences for improper usage. The people running the services are as concerned for our safety as we are, given that the safety of the modality will determine the success of their business. There are lots of built-in protections which, luckily, are probably very seldom needed. Personal meetings are neither endorsed nor encouraged, and advice on how to date safely is freely dispensed, should members choose to pursue the option. Members generally use a "handle" rather than a name with their profiles and it is suggested that they not list their personal email accounts. Web-based accounts appear to be the most anonymous. Most services route emails through their own server first and then forward them to the intended recipient to avoid identification. Unwanted emails can easily be blocked, and unwelcome people can be "squelched" in chatroom discussions. Misrepresentation: And then there is the potential for people to misrepresent themselves and take advantage of the unsuspecting. First of all, we're all adults here. If you're going to use this type of service, you should probably have a pretty well-developed ability to read between the lines. If you've got even a shred of intuition, you will know if someone is pretending to be something they're not. Certainly there are people who enhance the truth or live within their own cyber-realities, but the most common transgressions are generally harmless. Is Appearance everything? It is a given that men will add two inches to their height and women will subtract 5 pounds from their weight. The whole issue of appearance is a little touchy when meeting someone in such a "blind" forum. When faced with selecting either "very good looking" or "average" to paste on your profile, what would anyone choose? And wouldn't it be true? Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, and all that. People tend to develop images in their heads of what this intelligent, funny, thoughtful person must look like. We create a vision based on minimal information which is generally in line with our fantasy and usually a far cry from reality. It's important to be aware of this human tendency to avoid disappointment upon live meetings, should they occur. We all know why Hitchcock was so successful, right? Human imaginations fill in the details much more colorfully than any given description can. Put it in writing! It is important to know that email relationships are very different than "live" ones. There's something about writing, especially for us introverted types, that permits greater disclosure, franker discussions, unthreatening honesty. It's not necessarily anonymity and opportunity for deceit which opens up communication, but the eased pressure of indirect interaction. Through written exchanges, it is very difficult to get a sense for someone's personality, which is so strongly conveyed through tone, response patterns, body language and humor (or lack thereof). You may read an email and interpret a lot of lighthearted wit and worldly insight, but what you don't know is that it may have taken the sender three hours to finely craft each sentence, which may have been layered with bitter sarcasm. It's impossible to read these things through the flat affect of a computer monitor. |
Part III: making a selection Perfecting one's weeding skills: The key is that "weeding" skills are indispensable to maximize the benefit of these websites. Good weeding, or the process of selecting potentially interesting matches from a large and faceless pool, begins with knowing yourself and what you're looking for. Introduction services provide a great mechanism for identifying interesting candidates without having to invest time in every one. It's good to have a few basic criteria that all potentials must have to make the first cut. That may sound kind of ruthless, but you could spend entire days searching, emailing, and responding to totally unsuitable candidates, if you don't set down some minimum standards first. |
Here's what I mean: To make my first cut, a person has to be at least six feet tall, have liberal political views, and not want to start a family tomorrow. I would hate to spend months getting to know someone and then find out he's rooting for Quayle in 2000. When you know your minimum criteria, these services give you a very easy way to deal with inquiries who don't make the cut: "Lust4Life" is into nude scuba and Jello rubs? Delete "Mommasboy" is looking for a girl just like Monica? Delete. I also weed for intelligence. My latest test is people's usage of the term "a lot". Those who paid attention in 6th grade should know that it is two words. Whenever I receive an email describing how some guy likes to go camping "alot" or, my favorite, "allot", the decision is easy: Delete. |
Searching and Matching: The searching and matching features are helpful in finding people who meet your most basic criteria. In searching, you can develop a pool of people who meet your specific criteria. Then you can focus on their essay answers and narrative descriptions to determine further interest. Matching allows you to identify a list of people with whom you share personal characteristics. This is a nice feature, but I don't think it's necessary to be exactly the same as your partner, and I think the matching function fails to identify other truly compatible possibilities. I have heard that women have to do a lot less active searching than men. Apparently women receive approximately forty times the number of initiating emails than do men. Women's presence on the Internet, in general, and in these introduction services is altogether lower. I have gotten many an email from new introduction services offering me free membership for my female presence. The bottom line is that I believe that it is beneficial to do one's own searches and not wait for Captain Wonderful to just show up. |
Part IV: Making contact Some of the standard methods for initiating contact are "form emails" and spam ads. Many of those emails flooding the Inboxes of the women of the world are, in fact, highly impersonal and uninteresting. Lots of guys write a basic letter saying how much they loved your bio and how they think you probably have a lot in common. But, saying this same thing to however-many women does not impress me. I can tell that this is a scam because some guys have sent me their form letter multiple times, probably because I kept deleting them without responding. Or else they will send a brief little teaser email to every female in the service, hoping for any response they can get. I've received duplicates of these, as well. They are very transparent and unexciting. I respond only to people who have something interesting to say, and who comment on something that caught their eye in my profile. Intuition comes in very handy when trying to determine whether someone is genuinely who they are claiming to be. I think I'll vomit if I hear from another guy how much he loves to "cuddle by the fire". Pa-leeze. I'm saying the chemistry may be underrated on the Internet, and it rarely shows through in an email. |
Once you make it through the weeding process and have emailed a few times, you might find someone so interesting that you may want to speak with them or actually meet them. Talking via email only illustrates one facet of one's personality -- it's important to talk "live". I've heard too many stories of people who'd thought they'd fallen in love, just to find out that the cyber-mystique did not translate to real life. I myself have exchanged emails with people I found really interesting and funny, just to find out that a 30-year-old jock had the voice of my grandpa, or that a little sideways smiley-face was the closest another guy came to a belly-laugh. Always have at least one phone conversation before deciding to meet in person. Part V: Face to Face The last test is the one the Internet cannot help you with: the first face to face meeting. As honestly and diligently as you may have gone through all the steps I've outlined, there is still no guarantee that you'll find the perfect match. You may have fun on your first meeting, or you may realize that there's nothing left to say. However, by using Introduction Services to weed and select candidates carefully, there is much greater potential for finding that perfect stranger. |
Here is a short list of sites you may find helpful: www.match.com One final word about introduction services: You could spend an incredible amount of both time and money by joining a number of sites and actively using the services. I think that joining only one or two is the most manageable, and is probably all that is necessary. The larger sites have thousands of members and seem to be enlarging their membership daily. Visit a number of different sites and pay attention to their webpage design and layout. Some are easier to maneuver than others. You may want to sign up for their free trial memberships, which usually lasts one or two weeks. This way you can assess their clientele and determine the levels of sincerity and/or cheeze. Another way to cut down on the time you spend with this is to write a good profile and paste the same one on a few different sites. You'll probably have more emails to screen and respond to, but that gets easier as you get to know the sites and member types better. What could be better for the single person than to know there is somebody new just waiting for you at your fingertips. |
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