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What's in and What's Out for 2005
by the Phantom

Usually when this column comes out at the end of the year, it's a light-hearted look-back at our outgoing year. Things are different now. There's not much to be amused about, all things considered...
Taking notes


Still in for 2005:

  • The Terminator/Governator Guy

  • The Cowboy President, going for a new record: the worst two-term president ever
    Also still in: Rumsfeld, Rice and the ever popular Cheney

  • Martha Stewart, still in prison – the only CEO behind bars --  (Ken and Bernie are still free as birds)

  • War is still in and going strong

  • Reality TV is still in, along with photo cell phones, large SUVs and fake fiber optic Xmas trees

What’s out and what's in for 2005:

  • Out: Environmentalism: the red states have decreed that global warming was a left-wing conspiracy

  •  In: Cutting trees, killing off the last of the endangered species (both the act and the animals), oil exploration in Alaska, loss of habitat for wild animals, shrinking wetlands, toxic waste dumping (look out, Nevada), increased air and water pollution, shrinking ice shelves at both the north and south poles, increased ozone hole, possible displacement of magnetic north, disrupted weather patterns that bring on increased droughts, hurricanes, tornadoes and hotter temperatures

  • Out: Scientific rigor, scientific method, and theory building

  • In: Creationism and politically expedient “smart science”

  • Out: Civil rights for gays, lesbians, the trans-gendered, pregnant women and immigrants

  •  In: The morality police

  • Out: Public education 

  • In: No child left behind, which includes closing public schools in favor of charter schools, firing teachers, counselors and librarians, teaching to tests rather than curriculum, emphasis on school uniforms and unified minds rather than creativity and free expression

  • In: Increased national security, which includes sending the national guard off to war in foreign countries, using local government budgets to pay state debts which result in rotating closures of fire stations and reductions in police forces, no more bans on assault weapons; locking up citizens and non-citizens without charging them with a crime

  • Out: civil liberties

  • In: Increased airport security, which includes women being legally fondled in public, long waits for security checks, increased luggage pilfering, but no feeling of safety

  • Out: the friendly skies

  • In: The economy of greed and cynicism, with the emphasis on marketing shoddy, dangerous products to unsuspecting customers including selling cigarettes, pesticides, and untested drugs to developing countries, toxic waste dumping in developing countries, FDA allowing drug companies to push dangerous drugs to market too quickly while over-regulating cheaper Canadian drugs

  • Out: legitimate, non-partisan oversight

  • And finally, what's on the way out, our newest endangered species: Social Security, as we know it 


 
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