This bunch is called Strained
Relationships. Again, it's all anonymous email. No
Clever staffer or contributor takes credit for thinking any of this stuff
up.
The Matchmaker
A young lady visited a matchmaker: “I’m looking
for a good man. Can you please help me find a suitable one?”
The matchmaker asked, “Your requirements please?”
“Well, he needs to be good looking, polite,
humorous, sporty, knowledgeable, good at singing and dancing, willing to
accompany me the whole day at home at my leisure. He should tell me
interesting stories when I need a companion for conversation, and he
should be silent when I want to rest.”
The matchmaker listened carefully, and then replied,
“I understand. You don’t need a man, you need a television.”
-----
Bond, James Bond: A very confident James Bond
walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He
gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment.
The women notices this and asks, "Is your date
running late?"
"No," he replies, "Q has just given me
this state-of-the-art watch and I was just testing it."
The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so
special about it?"
Bond explains, " It uses alpha waves to talk to
me telepathically."
The lady says, what's it telling you now?" "Well, it says you're
not wearing any panties...." The woman giggles and replies,
"Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!"
Bond tuts, taps his watch and says, "Damn
thing's an hour fast."
-----
The bride came down the aisle and when she
reached the altar, the groom was standing there with his golf bag and
clubs by his side.
She said, "What are your golf clubs doing here?"
He looked her right in the eye and said, "This isn't going to take
all day, is it?"
-----
Two ladies meet at the market after not seeing
each other for some time. One asks how the other’s husband is doing.
“Oh, Roger died last week. He went out to the
garden to dig up a cabbage for dinner, had a heart attack and dropped dead
right there in the vegetable patch.”
“Oh, dear, I’m sorry,” replied her friend,
“What did you do?”
“Oh, I opened a can of peas instead.”
-----
The Frying Pan: A guy is sitting
quietly reading his paper when his wife sneaks up behind him and whacks
him on the head with a frying pan. “What’s that for?” he asks.
“That was for the piece of paper in your pants
pocket with the name Mary Lou written on it,” she replies.
“Two weeks ago when I was at the races, Mary Lou
was the name of one of the horses I bet on, he explains. She looks
satisfied and apologizes.
Three days later he’s again sitting in his chair
reading when she nails him with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him
out cold.
When he comes to he asks, “What the hell was that
for?”
“Your horse called.”
-----
The Fly Swatter
A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband
stalking around with a fly swatter.
"What are you doing?" she asked.
"Hunting Flies" he responded.
"Oh. Killing any?" she asked.
"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.
Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell?"
He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on
the phone."
-----
Payback for Blonde Jokes:
For all the
men who like to send blonde jokes...the paybacks are here!
Q: How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the
world does it take to do the dishes?
A: Both of them.
Q: Why did the man cross the road?
A: He heard the chicken was a slut.
Q: Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize one
egg?
A: They won't stop and ask for directions.
Q: How does a man show that he is planning for the
future?
A: He buys two cases of beer.
Q: What is the difference between men and government
bonds?
A: Eventually the bonds will mature.
Q: Why are blonde jokes so short?
A: So men can remember them.
Q: How many men does it take to change a roll of
toilet paper?
A: We don't know.
It has never happened.
Q: Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive,
caring and good looking?
A: They all already have boyfriends.
Q: What do you call a woman who knows where her
husband is every night?
A: A widow.
Q: Why are married women usually heavier than single
women?
A: Single women come home, see what's in the fridge
and go to bed, married women come home, see what's in the bed and go to
the fridge.
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