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by William Drury

Some people enjoy eating things that have the very real potential of dissolving away their gastro-intestinal tract like, for example, hot sauce eaters, specifically my son who apparently has an asbestos tongue, a cast-iron stomach, and who is simply not hot-happy unless he has steam billowing out of his ears in freight train fashion.

Evidently, card-carrying hot sauce fanatics are in a constant search for the hottest of hot sauces.  Why?  Because the capsicum (the chemical found in pepper’s seed and plutonium) has rotted away their last remaining taste buds, and now they simple want the hottest of the hot, as evidenced by the names of the top selling XXXTra hot sauces, which can burn your tongue just saying them:

1)     “Dave’s Ultimate Insanity Hot Sauce”

2)     “Acid Rain Limited Edition Hot Sauce”

3)     “Blair’s After Death Hot Sauce”

4)     “Crazy Jerry’s Brain Damage Hot Sauce”

5)     “Da’Bomb Ground Zero Hot Sauce”

6)     “Assplosion Hot Sauce”

7)     “Bayou Fireballs Hot sauce.”

From what I gathered after reading from a hot sauce website: if the bottle that the hot sauce comes in is not on the verge of melting or at the very least on fire; if the warning label does not beg you to “Please, for the love of God, do not shake this bottle!,” and if the hot sauce cannot be a replacement for jet fuel, then died-in-the-wool hot sauce eaters want nothing to do with it ‘cause it simply is not hot enough to bother with.

As for me: having blurred vision, feeling like you just snorted Drano, crying because it hurts when you breath, sweating from your eye sockets, and being afraid to burp or worse for fear of igniting the dog, is unsettling.  But that’s probably just me being silly.

And lemme tell ya, not only is hot sauce hot, it’s also very tricky stuff, kind of like marriage.  Hot sauce does not come right out and burn your face off.  No, it sneaks up on you, and then suddenly—WHAAMMOOO!  One minute there’s a slight tingle on your tongue.  And the next, you’ve got your head wedged in the toilet trying desperately to put out the flames!

Marriage also creeps up on you.  One minute you’re fat, dumb, and happy, spread out on the sofa clad only in your underwear with potato chip crumbs on your stomach and watching the Sox game.  And the next thing you know, you’re in a suit and tie, “The Baby Story” is on the television, and you’re vacuuming.  It’s horrible I tell you, horrible.

But there is a good side to eating hot chiles especially for those folks trying to drop a couple pounds.  Chiles help you to burn calories and shed pounds.  Of course what they are not telling us is that the reason we will lose weight when we eat chiles is because chile seeds get a big kick out of melting away important internal organs that we have grown attached to.  Sure you’ll loose weight, but you’ll be missing your duodenum, not that any of us know what a duodenum is, but we’ll be missing it nonetheless.  And the minute we lose it, you know you’re going to need it.

Chiles also help if you go to the bathroom.  If your bowels are clogged, eat some chile and they will act like a blasting cap, helping to eliminate everything you have eaten since 3^rd grade.  Okay, so, hot sauce burns a bit going in and a lot coming out, and as a result you might explode your toilet along with the entire second floor of your house, but at least you’ll be regular, dangerous to the community and on the fire department’s watchdog list, but regular nonetheless.

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