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WOMAN'S
PERFECT BREAKFAST
She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.
Her son is on the cover of the Wheatie’s box.
Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.
Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.
And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.
You
might have read this one already, but we're all here now:
While
waiting for my first appointment in the reception room of a new
dentist, I noticed his
certificate, which bore his full name. Suddenly, I
remembered that a tall,
handsome boy with the same name had been in my high
school class some 30
years ago.
Upon seeing him,
however, I quickly discarded any such thought. This
balding, gray-haired man
with the deeply lined face was way too old to have
been my classmate.
After he had examined my
teeth, I asked him if he had attended the local
high school.
"Yes," he replied.
"When did you
graduate?" I asked.
He answered, "In
1971. Why?"
"You were in my
class!" I exclaimed.
He looked at me closely,
and then the son of a bitch asked, "What did you teach?"
Here's one for cat lovers: Smart Cat
A man absolutely hated his wife's cat and decided to get rid of him one
day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park. As
he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway.
The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast
out and headed home. Driving back up his driveway, there was the cat!
He kept taking the cat further and further and the cat would always beat
him home. At last he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then
left, past the bridge, then right again
and another right until he reached what he thought was a safe distance
from his home and left the cat there.
Hours later the man calls home to his wife: "Jen, is the cat
there?"
"Yes,” the wife answers, "why do you ask?"
Frustrated, the man answered, "Put that son of a bitch on the phone,
I'm lost and need directions!"
Reporters interviewing a 104 year-old woman:
"And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?"
She simply replied, "No peer pressure."
Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the
very elderly widow and asked, "How old was your husband?"
"98," she replied. "Two years older
than me."
"So you're 96," the undertaker commented.
She responded, "Hardly worth going home is it?"
I've sure gotten old. I've had 2 By-pass
surgeries. A hip replacement, new knees. Fought prostate cancer, and
diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine,
take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to
blackouts. Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation, hardly feel my
hands and feet anymore. Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my
friends. But..... Thank God, I still have my Florida driver's license!
God, grant me the senility
To forget the people
I never liked anyway,
The good fortune
To run into the ones I do,
And the eyesight to tell the difference.
You know you are
drinking to much coffee when…
* You answer the
door before people knock.
* Juan Valdez named his donkey after you.
* You're the employee of the month at the
local coffeehouse and you don't
even work there.
* You chew on other people's fingernails.
* You can jump-start your car without
cables.
* You go to AA meetings just for the free
coffee.
* Instant coffee takes too long.
* Your birthday is a national holiday in
Brazil.
* You think being called a
"drip" is a compliment.
* You help your dog chase its tail.
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