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Irish Humor Archive!
March the 17th: It's a great day for the Irish
So when Paddy's 18th birthday came around, he and his pal Mick, took a boat out to the middle of the lake, Paddy, stepped out of the boat ...and nearly drowneddd! Mick just barely managed to pull him to safety. Furious and confused, Paddy went to see his grandmother.
"Grandma," he asked, "Tis me 18th birthday, so why can't I walk across the lake like me father, his father and his father before him?"
Granny looked deeply into Paddy's, troubled blue eyes and said,
"That's because ye father, ye grandfather and ye great-grandfather were all born in December, when the lake is frozen, and ye were born in August, ya dumb idgit!"
Mrs. McGervey was walking down O'Connell
Street in Dublin when she met up with Father O'Flaherty. The
Father said, 'Top o' the mornin' to ye! Aren't ye Mrs. McGervey
and didn't I marry ye and yer hoosband 2 years ago?'
daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her
return, her Father cussed her.
Girl, crying again,
'Sniff, sniff....a prostitute Daddy! Sniff, sniff.'
What It Means To Be Irish:
1. You will never play professional basketball.
2. You swear very well.
3. At least one of your cousins is a fireman, cop, bar owner, funeral home owner or holds political office.
4. You think you sing very well.
5. You have no idea how to make a long story short!
6. There isn't a big difference between you losing your temper or killing someone...
7. Much of your childhood meals were boiled.
8. You have never hit your head on a ceiling.
9. You spent a good portion of your childhood kneeling in prayer (ya know ya were thinkin' about being bad whether ya did it or not).
10. You're strangely poetic after a few beers.
11. You are, therefore, poetic a lot.
12. You will be punched for no good reason...a lot.
13. Some punches directed at you are from legacies of past generations.
14. Many of your sisters and/or cousins are named Mary, Catherine or Eileen...and there is at least one member of your family with the full name of Mary Catherine Eileen.
15. Someone in your family is incredibly cheap. It is more than likely you.
16. You may not know the words, but that doesn't stop you from singing.
17. You can't wait for the other guy to stop talking before you start talking.
18. You're not nearly as funny as you think you are...but what you lack in talent, you make up for in frequency.
19. There wasn't a huge difference between your last Wake and your last keg party.
20. You are, or know someone, named Murph.
21. If you don't know Murph then you know Mac. If you don't know Murph or Mac then you know Sully.
Then you probably know Sully MacMurphy.
22. You are genetically incapable of keeping a secret.
23. You have Irish Alzheimer's.
24. "Irish Stew" is a euphemism for "boiled leftovers."
25. All of your losses are alcohol-related (loss of virginity, loss of drivers license, loss of money, loss of job, loss of significant other, loss of teeth from punch...) but it never stops you from drinking.
Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and most of the night. Mick, the bartender, says to him: "You'll not be drinking no more tonight, Paddy."
Paddy replies: "OK, Mick. I'll be on me way then." Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off. He falls flat on his face. "What the...." he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself off. He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face again. "Damn!" he says.
He looks to the doorway and thinks that if he can just get to the door and get some fresh air he'll be fine. He belly-crawls to the door and shimmies up the door frame. He sticks his head outside and takes a deep breath of fresh air. Feeling much better, he takes a step out onto the pavement and
falls flat on his face again. "B'Jesus... I'm soused," he says.
He can see his house just a few doors down, and decides to try for it. He crawls down the street, shimmies up the door frame, opens the door and looks inside. He takes a look up the stairs and says, "No flappin' way." But he somehow crawls up the stairs to his bedroom door and thinks, "I think I can make it to the bed." He takes a step into the room and falls flat on his face again. He says, "This is hell. I gotta stop drinking," but manages to crawl to the bed and fall in.
The next morning, his wife comes into the room carrying a cup of coffee and says, "Get up Paddy. Have a bit to drink last night, did ye?"
Paddy says, "I did Jess, Truly, I did. I was totally wasted. But how'd you know?"
"Mick called ... You left your wheelchair at the pub."
From Chet: St. Patrick's Day is finally here. Even though I'm not Irish, and I don't
have red hair, and my mother didn't have 17 kids, and I'm not an alcoholic or
a little Leprechaun - I still enjoy celebrating St. Patrick's Day.
was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an
important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up to
heaven he said, "Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking
place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and
give up Irish Whiskey"
Three Pints of Beer
man walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of beer, and sits in
the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each. When he finishes, he
returns to the bar and orders three more. The bartender tells him,
"You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it; it would taste better if
you bought one at a time."
man replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America,
the other in Australia, and I'm here in Dublin. When we all left home, we
promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days we all drank
together." The bartender admits that this is a nice custom and leaves
it there. The man becomes a regular in the bar and always drinks the same
way: he orders three pints and drinks them in turn.
day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars in the bar
notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second
round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief,
but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss."
man looks confused for a moment, then a light dawns, and he laughs.
"Oh, no," he says, "Everyone is fine. I've just quit
Father Patrick replied, “I’m afraid not, we
cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some
Baptists down the lane, and there’s no tellin’ what they believe.
Maybe they’ll do something for the creature.
Muldoon said, “I’ll go right away, Frather. Do ya’
think $5,000 is enough for donate for the service?”
Father Patrick exclaimed, “Sweet Mary, Mother of
Jesus? Why didn’t ya’ tell me the dog was Catholic?”
"How'd that happen?"
"The cork fell out!" said the Irishman.
The first man then asks, "Where are you from?"
"I'm from Ireland," replies the second man.
The first man responds, "You don't say. I'm from Ireland too! Let's have another round to Ireland."
"Of course," says the second.
Curious, the first asks: "Where in Ireland?"
"Dublin," comes the reply.
"I can't believe it. Me too! Lets have another round of drinks to Dublin."
The second man can't help himself so he asks, "What school did you attend?"
"Saint Mary's," replies the first man. "I graduated in '62."
"This is becoming unbelievable!" They say in union.
About that time, in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar.
"What's up?" he asks the bartender.
"Nothing much," replied the bartender. "The O'Malley twins are drunk again!"
Then they see a rabbi enter the brothel, and the other Irishman says, "Aye, 'tis a shame to see that the Jews are fallin' victim to temptation."
Then they see a catholic priest enter the brothel, and one of the Irishmen says, "What a terrible pity ... one of the girls must be quite ill."
Yet Another Irish Joke Two Irishmen were digging a ditch directly across from a brothel. Suddenly, they saw a rabbi walk up to the front door, glance around and duck inside. "Ah, will you look at that?" one ditch digger said. "What's our world comin' to when men of th' cloth are visitin' such places?"
A short time later, a Protestant minister walked up to the door and quietly slipped inside. "Do you believe that?" The workman exclaimed. "Why, 'tis no wonder th' young people today are so confused, what with the example clergymen set for them."
After an hour went by, the men watched as a Catholic priest quickly entered the whore house. "Ah, what a pity," the digger said, leaning on his shovel. "One of th' poor lasses must've died."
From Tom: Two nuns, Sister Marilyn and Sister Helen, are traveling through Europe in their car. They get to Transylvania and are stopped at a traffic light. Suddenly, out of nowhere, a diminutive Dracula jumps onto the hood of the car and hisses through the windshield.
"Quick, quick!" shouts Sister Marilyn. "What shall we do?"
"Turn the windshield wipers on. That will get rid of the abomination," says Sister Helen.
Sister Marilyn switches them on, knocking Dracula about, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns. "What shall I do now?" she shouts.
"Switch on the windshield washer. I filled it up with Holy Water in the Vatican," says Sister Helen.
Sister Marilyn turns on the windshield washer. Dracula screams as the water burns his skin, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns. "Now what?" shouts Sister Marilyn.
"Show him your cross," says Sister Helen.
"Now you're talking," says Sister Marilyn as she opens the window and shouts, "Get the fuck off our car!"
And another one, from Chet: An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.
The bartender asks him, "You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it; it would taste better if you bought one at a time."
The Irishman replies, "Well, you see I have two brothers. One is in America, the other in Australia, and I'm here in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together."
The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there. The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way: He orders three pints and drinks them in turn. One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars notice and fall silent.
When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss."
The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then a light dawns in his eye
and he laughs. "Oh, no," he, says, "everyone's fine. I've just quit
St. Peter said, "I'd like to get you guys in now, but our computer's down. You'll have to go back to Earth for about a week, but you can't go back as humans. What'll it be?"
The first priest says, "I've always wanted to be an eagle, soaring above the Rocky
"The first one should be easy," says St. Peter. "He's somewhere over the Rockies, flying with the eagles. But the second one could prove to be more difficult. He's on a snow tire, somewhere in Minnesota."
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