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Pearly Gates Jokes:
Dolly Parton and Queen Elizabeth at the Pearly Gates
Dolly Parton and Queen Elizabeth die on the same day and they
both go before an Angel to find out if they'll be admitted to
Heaven. Unfortunately, there's only one space left that day, so
the angel must decide which of them gets in. The Angel asks
Dolly if there's some particular reason why she
should get into Heaven.
Dolly takes off her top and says, 'Look at these, they're the
most perfect breasts God ever created, and I'm sure the angels
will be pleased to see them every day, for eternity.'
The Angel thanks Dolly, and asks Her Majesty the same question..
The Queen takes a bottle of Perrier out of her purse, shakes it
up, and gargles. Then, she spits into a toilet and pulls the
lever. The angel chuckles and says, 'Okay, Your Majesty, you may
go in.'
Dolly is outraged and asks, 'What was that all about? I show
you two of God's own perfect creations and you turn me down. She
spits into a commode and gets in! Would you explain that to me?'
'Sorry, Dolly,' says the angel, 'but, even in Heaven, a royal
flush beats a pair - no matter how big they are.'
Christmas at the Pearly Gates
Three men died on Christmas Eve and were
met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.
'In honor of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'you must each
possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'
The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a
lighter. He flicked it on. 'It represents a candle', he said.
'You may pass through the pearly gates,' Saint Peter said.
The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of
keys. He shook them and said, 'They're bells.'
Saint Peter said, 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.
The third man started searching desperately through his pockets
and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties. St. Peter
looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just
what do those symbolize?'
The man replied, 'These are Carols.'
One day a guy dies and finds himself
in hell. As he is wallowing in despair, he has his first meeting with
the devil...
Satan: "Why so glum?"
Guy: "What do you think? I'm in hell!"
Satan: "Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. You
a drinking man?"
Guy: "Sure, I love to drink."
Satan: "Well, you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays, that's all we
do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, Tab, and Fresca.
We drink 'til we throw up, and then we drink some more! And you don't
have to worry about getting a hangover, because you're dead anyway."
Guy: "Gee that sounds great!"
Satan: "You a smoker?"
Guy: "You better believe it"
Satan: "All right! You're gonna love Tuesdays We get the finest cigars
from all over the world, and smoke our lungs out. ;If you get cancer -
no biggie, you're already dead, remember?"
Guy: "Wow...that's awesome!"
Satan: "I bet you like to gamble."
Guy: "Why, yes, as a matter of fact I do."
Satan: "Good, 'cause Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Craps,
blackjack, roulette, poker, slots, whatever. If you go bankrupt, it
doesn't matter, you're dead anyhow."
Guy: "Cool!"
Satan: "What about drugs?"
Guy: "Are you kidding? Love drugs! You don't mean...?"
Satan: "That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big
bowl of crack or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can
do all the drugs you want. You're dead so who cares."
Guy: "Wow! I never realized Hell was such a cool place!"
Satan: "You gay?"
Guy: "No..."
Satan: "Oooo, Fridays are gonna be tough..."
Marriage in Heaven
On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple was involved in a
fatal car accident. The couple found themselves sitting outside the Pearly
Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven.
While waiting they began to wonder: Could they possibly get married in
Heaven?
When St. Peter arrived they asked him if they could get married in heaven.
St. Peter said, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked.
Let me go find out," and he left.
The couple sat and waited for an answer... for a couple of months. While
they waited, they discussed the pros and cons. If they were allowed to get
married in Heaven, should they get married, what with the eternal aspect
of it all? "What if it doesn't work? Are we stuck in Heaven together
forever?"
Another month passed. St. Peter finally returned, looking somewhat
bedraggled. "Yes," he informed the couple, "You can get married in
Heaven."
"Great!" said the couple. "But we were just
wondering; what if things don't work out? Could we also
get a divorce in Heaven?"
St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard on the ground.
"What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple.
"OH, COME ON!!!" St. Peter shouted. "It took me 3 months to find a priest
up here! Do you have ANY idea how long it'll take to find a lawyer???"
Two ladies at St. Peters’ Gate
1st woman : Hi! My name is Wanda.
2nd woman : Hi! I'm Kelly. How'd you die?
1st woman : I Froze to Death.
2nd woman : How Horrible!
1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I
began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death.
What about you?
2nd woman : I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my
husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act.
But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.
1st woman: So, what happened?
2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere
that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the
attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through
every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I
had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just
keeled over with a heart attack and died.
1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer---we'd both still
be alive!
A man arrives at the Pearly Gates, waiting to be admitted. St. Peter is
reading through the Big Book to see if the fellow's name is written in
it. After several minutes, St. Peter closes the book, furrows his brow,
and says, "I'm sorry, I don't see your name written in the
Book."
"How current is your copy?" he asks.
"I get a download every ten minutes," St.
Peter replies, "why do you ask?"
"I'm embarrassed to admit it, but I was always
the stubborn type. It was not until my death was imminent that I cried
out to God, so my name probably hasn't arrived to your copy yet."
"I'm glad to hear that," St. Peter says,
"but while we're waiting for the update to come through, can tell
me about a really good deed that you did in your life?"
The guys thinks for a moment and says, "Hmm,
well there was this one time when I was driving down a road and I saw a
big gang harassing this poor girl. I slowed down, and sure enough, there
they were, about 20 of 'em torturing this poor woman. Infuriated, I got
out my car, grabbed a tire iron out of my trunk, and walked up to the
leader of the gang. He was a huge guy -- 6-foot-6, 280 pounds, with a
studded leather jacket and a chain running from his nose to his ears. As
I walked up to the leader, they formed a circle around me and told me to
get lost or I'd be next.
"So I ripped the leader's chain out of his
face and smashed him over the head with the tire iron. Then I turned
around and yelled to the rest of them, "Leave this poor innocent
girl alone! You're all a bunch of SICK, deranged animals! Go home before
I really teach you a lesson in PAIN!"
St. Peter, duly impressed, says "Wow! When did
this happen?"
"Oh, about 8 minutes ago."
A woman arrived at the Gates of Heaven. While she was waiting
for Saint Peter to greet her, she peeked through the Gates. She saw a
beautiful banquet table. Sitting all around were her parents and all the
other people she had loved and who had died before her. They saw her and
began calling greetings to her.
"Hello
- How are you! We've been waiting for you! Good to see you."
When
Saint Peter came by, the woman said to him "This is such a wonderful
place! How do I get in?"
"You
have to spell a word," Saint Peter told her.
"Which
word?" the woman asked. "Love."
The
woman correctly spelled "Love" and Saint Peter welcomed her into
Heaven. About a year later, Saint Peter came to the woman and asked her to
watch the Gates of Heaven for him that day. While the woman was guarding
the Gates of Heaven, her husband arrived.
"I'm
surprised to see you," the woman said. "How have you been?"
"Oh,
I've been doing pretty well since you died," her husband told her.
"I married the beautiful young nurse who took care of you while you
were ill. And then I won the lottery. I sold the little house you and I
lived in and bought a big mansion. And my wife and I traveled all around
the world. We were on vacation and I went water skiing today. I fell and
hit my head, and here I am. How do I get in?"
"You
have to spell a word," the woman told him.
"Which
word?" her husband asked. "Czechoslovakia."
Sister Margaret had been a model nun all her life, but then she was called to her reward. As she approached the Pearly Gates, Saint Peter said, "Hold on, Sister Margaret...not so fast!"
"But I have been good all my life and dedicated to the work of the Lord. From the time I was taken in as an infant by the sisters at the convent to my dying breath... I have lived for this moment!" Sister Margaret exclaimed in disbelief.
"That is just the problem...you never learned right from wrong and to get into heaven, you must know the difference between right and wrong," replied St. Peter.
"Well, what can I do? I will do anything to get into heaven!" Sister Margaret pleaded.
"I am going to have to send you back down to Earth. When you get there, I want you to smoke a cigarette and call me when you are finished...we will discuss your situation then," ordered St. Peter.
Sister Margaret returned to Earth, smoked a Camel, and then called St. Peter coughing and hacking. "Saint Peter" she gasped, "I can hardly breathe, my mouth tastes terrible, my breath stinks, I feel dizzy, and I think I am going to throw up!"
"Good!" replied the old saint, "Now you are finally getting a feel for right and wrong. Now go out tonight and drink some hard liquor and call me immediately."
Sister Margaret phoned St. Peter shortly after taking several belts of Jack Daniels. "Saint Peter...I feel woozy... that vile liquid burned my throat and
nauseate me...it is all I can do to keep it down."
"Good ... good! Now you are starting to see the difference between right and wrong" said St. Peter with delight. "Tomorrow I want you to seek out a man and know him in the Biblical sense
and then call me."
A week later, Sister Margaret called St. Peter and left a message: "Hello, Pete ... it's Peggy. I'm gonna be a while!"
A cat died and went to Heaven. God met her at the gates and said,
"You have been a good cat all these years. Anything you want is
yours for the asking."
The cat thought for a minute and then said, "All my life I lived on
a farm and slept on hard wooden floors. I would like a real fluffy
pillow to sleep on."
God said, "Say no more." Instantly the cat had a huge fluffy
pillow.
A few days later, six mice were killed in an accident and they all went
to Heaven together. God met the mice at the gates with the same offer
that He made to the cat.
The mice said, "Well, we have had to run all of our lives: from
cats, dogs and even people with brooms! If we could just have some
little roller skates, we would not have to run again."
God answered, "It is done." All the mice had beautiful little
roller skates.
About a week later, God decided to check on the cat. He found her sound
asleep on her fluffy pillow. God gently awakened the cat and asked,
"Is everything okay? How have you been doing? Are you happy?"
The cat replied, "Oh, it is WONDERFUL. I have never been so happy
in my life. The pillow is so fluffy, and those little Meals on Wheels
you have been sending over are delicious!"
Church:
A man was in front of me coming out of church one
Christmas day and the preacher was standing at the door as he always is
to shake hands. He grabbed my friend by the hand and pulled him aside
and said: “You need to join the Army of the Lord!”
The man replied, “I’m already in the Army of
the Lord, Pastor.”
The Pastor questioned, “How com I don’t see you
except at Christmas and Easter?”
He whispered back, “I’m in the secret
service.”
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Miscellaneous Humor
The Zen of Sarcasm
1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead
of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just
pretty much leave me alone.
2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan
belt and leaky tire.
3. It is always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to
steal your neighbors newspaper, that's the time to do it.
4. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't
be promoted.
5. Always remember that you're unique. Just like everyone else.
6. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
7. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a
couple of car payments.
8. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in
their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile
away and you have their shoes.
9. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is probably not for
you.
10. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how
to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
11. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it
was probably a wise investment.
12. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
13. Some days you're the bug; some days you're the windshield.
14. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
15. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half
and put it back in your pocket.
16. A closed mouth gathers no feet.
17. Duct tape is like 'The Force'. It has a light side and a
dark side, and it holds the universe together.
18. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one
works.
19. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips
are moving.
20. Experience is something you don't get until just after you
need it.
21. Never miss a good chance to shut up.
22. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a
laxative on the same night.
Forever Puns
Energizer Bunny arrested -
charged with battery.
A pessimist's blood type is
always b-negative.
Practice safe eating - always
use condiments.
A Freudian slip is when you say
one thing but mean your mother.
Shotgun wedding: A case of wife
or death.
I used to work in a blanket
factory, but it folded.
If electricity comes from
electrons... does that mean that morality
comes from morons?
Marriage is the mourning after
the knot before.
A hangover is the wrath of
grapes.
Corduroy pillows are making
headlines.
Is a book on voyeurism a
peeping tome?
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is
really a form of floor play.
Banning the bra was a big flop.
Sea captains don't like crew cuts.
Does the name Pavlov ring a
bell?
A successful diet is the
triumph of mind over platter.
Time flies like an
arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
A gossip is someone with a
great sense of rumour.
Without geometry, life is
pointless..
When you dream in color, it's a
pigment of your imagination.
Condoms should be used on every
conceivable occasion.
Reading whilst
sunbathing makes you well-red.
When two egotists meet, it's an
I for an I.
Little Susie gets home from school, and tells her mum that the
boys, where asking her to do cartwheels. And said she was real
good at it. Mum said, "Don't do it. The boys only want to see
your knickers. Susie said "I know, that's why I hid them in my
backpack."
Pat Sajak's stupid spring joke: I thought I
saw the first robin of spring yesterday, but it was just a
pigeon with a chaffed breast.
Help!
I did what you told me ...
I sent the email to 10 people like you said .
I'm still waiting for that miracle to happen .
To all my friends who in the last year sent me best 'wishes',
chain letters, 'angel' letters or other
promises of good luck if I forwarded something, NONE OF THAT
SHIT WORKED! For the rest of 2008, could you please just send
money, vodka, chocolate, movie tickets or gasoline vouchers and
airline tickets instead? Thank you!
Native American Wisdom...
When told the reason for daylight saving time the old Indian
said..."Only a white man would believe that you could cut a foot
off the top of a blanket and sew it to the bottom of a blanket
and have a longer blanket."
MENTAL HOSPITAL PHONE MENU
Hello and thank you for calling The State Mental Hospital. Please
select from the following options menu:
If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.
If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want, stay on
the line so we can trace your call.
If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be forwarded to the
Mother Ship.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will
tell you which number to press.
If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press,
nothing will make you happy anyway.
If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696.
If you are bipolar, please leave a message after the beep or before
the beep or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term
memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have low self-esteem, please hang up our operators are too busy
to talk with you.
If you are menopausal, put the gun down, hang up, turn on the fan, lie
down and cry. You won't be crazy forever.
If you are blonde, don't press any buttons, you'll just mess it up.
This coming week is National Mental Health Care week. You can do your
part by remembering to contact at least one unstable person to show
you care.
Steven
Spielberg was discussing his new project - an action docudrama
about famous composers starring top movie stars. Sylvester Stallone,
Steven Segall, Bruce Willis, and Arnold Schwarzenegger were all
present. Spielberg strongly desired the box office 'oomph' of these
superstars, so he was prepared to allow them to select whatever
composers they wished to portray, as long as they were famous.
"Well," started Stallone, "I've always admired Mozart. I would love to
play him."
"Chopin has always been my favorite, and my image would improve if
people saw me playing the piano," replied Willis. "I'll play him."
"I've always been partial to Strauss and his waltzes," said Segall.
"I'd like to play him."
Spielberg was very pleased with these choices. "Sounds splendid."
Then, turning to Schwarzenegger, he asked, "Who do you want to be,
Arnold?"
Arnold in a slow deliberate voice replied, "I'll be Bach."
There are many stories related to the sinking of the "Titanic".
Some have just come to light due to the success of the recent movie.
For example, most people don't know that back in 1912, Hellman's
mayonnaise was manufactured in England. The "Titanic" was carrying
12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz,
Mexico, which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after
New York City. The Mexican people were eagerly awaiting delivery and
were disconsolate at the loss. So much so that they declared a
national day of mourning which they still observe today. It is known,
of course, as: Sinko de Mayo.
Dear Tide: I am writing to say what an excellent
product you have! I've used it all through my married life. My Mom
always told me it was the best. Now that I am in my fifties, I find it's
even better! In fact, about a month ago, I spilled some red wine on
my new white blouse. My inconsiderate and uncaring husband started to
berate me about how clumsy I was, and generally started becoming a pain in
the neck. One thing led to another and somehow I ended up with a lot of
his blood on my white blouse. I tried to get the stain out using a bargain
detergent, but it just wouldn't come out. After a quick trip to the
supermarket, I purchased a bottle of liquid Tide with bleach alternative,
and to my surprise and satisfaction, all of the stains came out! In
fact, the stains came out so well the detectives who came by yesterday
told me that the DNA tests on my blouse were negative and then my attorney
called and said that I would no longer be considered a suspect in the
disappearance of my husband. What a relief! Going through menopause is bad
enough without being a murder suspect! I thank you, once again, for having
such a great product. Well, gotta' go. I have to write a letter to
the Hefty bag people.
Traffic Court
A New York man was forced to take a day off from
work to appear for a minor traffic summons. He grew increasingly
restless as he waited hour after endless hour for his case to be heard.
When his name was called late in the afternoon, he stood before the
judge only to hear that court would be adjourned for the next day and he
would have to return.
“What for?” he snapped at the judge.
His Honor, equally irked by the tedious day and the
sharp query, roared, “Twenty dollars contempt of court. That’s what
for!”
“It’s all right. You don’t have to pay
now.”
The young man replied, “I’m just seeing if I
have enough for two more words!”
Dumb
White Men
An old Indian chief sat in his hut on the reservation, smoking a
ceremonial pipe and eyeing two U.S. government officials sent to
interview him.
"Chief Two Eagles," asked one official, "you have
observed the white man for 90 years. You've seen his wars and his
technological advances. You've seen his progress, and the damage he's
done."
The Chief nodded in agreement.
The official continued, "considering all these events, in your
opinion, where did the white man go wrong?"
The Chief stared at the government officials for over a minute and then
calmly replied: "When white man found the land, Indians were
running it. No taxes, No debt, Plenty buffalo, Plenty beaver, Women did
all the work, Medicine man free, Indian man spent all day hunting and
fishing, All night ! having sex. “Then the chief leaned back and
smiled: "Only white man dumb enough to think he could improve
system like that."
Can't eat
Beef = Mad cow....
Can't eat chicken = bird flu
Can't eat eggs = Salmonella
Can't eat pork = trichinosis...
Can't eat fish = heavy metals in the waters has poisoned them
Can't eat fruits and veggies = insecticides and herbicides
Hmm, I believe that leaves Chocolate
Remember: STRESSED spelled backwards is DESSERTS. Send this to four people and you will lose 2 pounds.
Send this to everyone you know (or ever knew), and you will lose 10
pounds. If you delete this message, you will gain 10 pounds immediately.
That's why I had to pass this on, I didn't want to risk it.
BREAKING NEWS - NEW YORK TIMES:
In an attempt to put a halt to the spread of Bird Flu, George W. Bush
has bombed the Canary Islands.
More on Newspapers
1. The Wall Street Journal is
read by the people who run the country.
2. The Washington Post is read by people who think they run
the country.
3. The New York Times is read by people who think they should
run the country and who are very good at crossword puzzles.
4. USA Today is read by people who think they ought to run the
country but don't really understand The New York Times. They do,
however, like their statistics shown in pie charts.
5. The Los Angeles Times is read by people who wouldn't mind
running the country -- if they could
find the time -- and if they didn't have to leave Southern California
to do it.
6. The Boston Globe is read by people whose parents used to
run the country and did a far
superior job of it, thank you very much.
7. The New York Daily News is read by people who aren't too
sure who's running the country and don't really care as long as they
can get a seat on the train.
8. The New York Post is read by people who don't care who's
running the country as long as they do something really scandalous,
preferably while intoxicated.
9. The Miami Herald is read by people who are running another
country but need the baseball scores.
10. The San Francisco Chronicle is read by people who aren't
sure there is a country .. or that anyone is running it; but if so,
they oppose all that they stand for. There are occasional exceptions
if the leaders are handicapped minority feminist atheist dwarfs who
also happen to be illegal aliens from any other country or galaxy,
provided, of course, that they are not Republicans.
11. The National Enquirer is read by people trapped in line at
the grocery store.
Regional Humor
Some odd things about England...
(Editor’s note: I think “some” body made most of this stuff
up, what who knows. We believe everything that comes to us via
email, right?)
1. In Shakespeare's time, mattresses were secured on
bed frames by ropes. When you pulled on the ropes the mattress
tightened, making the bed firmer to sleep on. Hence the phrase
"goodnight, sleep tight".
2. In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts. So in
old England, when customers got unruly, the bartender would yell
at them mind their own pints and quarts and settle down. It's
where we get the phrase "mind your P's and Q's"
3. Many years ago in England, pub frequenters had a whistle
baked into the rim or handle of their ceramic cups. When they
needed a refill, they used the whistle to get some service. "Wet
your whistle" is the phrase inspired by this practice.
4. In ancient England a person could not have sex unless you had
consent of the King (unless you were in the Royal Family). When
anyone wanted to have a baby, they got consent of the King, the
King gave them a placard that they hung on their door while they
were having sex. The placard had F.*.*.*. (Fornication Under
Consent of the King) on it. Now you know where that came from.
5. In Scotland, a new game was invented. It was entitled Gentlemen
Only Ladies Forbidden.... and thus the word
GOLF entered into the English language.
Californians:
You know you're in California when......
1. Your coworker has 8 body piercings and none are visible.
2. You make over $300,000 and still can't afford a house.
3. It's barely sprinkling rain outside, so you leave for work an
hour early to avoid all the weather-related accidents.
4. Your child's 3rd-grade teacher has purple hair, a nose ring, and is
named Breeze.
5. You can't remember...is pot illegal?
6. You've been to a baby shower that has two mothers and a sperm donor.
7. You have a very strong opinion about where your coffee beans are
grown, and you can taste the difference between Sumatran and
Ethiopian.
8. You know which restaurant serves the freshest arugula.
9. You can't remember.... is pot illegal?
10. A really great parking space can totally move you to tears.
11. Gas costs $1.00 per gallon more than anywhere else in the U.S.
12. Unlike back home, the guy at 8:30am at Starbucks wearing the baseball
cap and sunglasses who looks like George Clooney really IS George Clooney!
13. Your car insurance costs as much as your house payment.
14. Your hairdresser is straight, your plumber is gay, the woman who
delivers your mail is into S&M, and your Mary Kay rep is a guy in
drag.
15. You can't remember...is pot illegal?
16. You have to leave the big company meeting early because Billy Blanks
himself is teaching the 4:00pm Tae Bo class.
17. You pass an elementary school playground and the children are all busy
with their cells or pagers.
18. Hey! Is Pot Illegal?
19. Both you AND your dog have therapists.
20. The Terminator is your govenater.
Wisconsin Quarters
If any of you
are collecting the new quarters, you may have to wait awhile for the Wisconsin
ones. The United States Treasury has announced they are recalling the new
Wisconsin quarters. "We are recalling all of the new Wisconsin
quarters that were recently issued," Treasury Undersecretary Russell
Shackelford said in a press conference Monday.
"This comes in the wake of numerous reports to this agency that the
quarters will not work in parking meters, toll booths, vending machines,
pay phones, or other coin- operated devices."
"We believe the problem lies in a design flaw," said Skackelford.
The winning design for the Wisconsin quarter was submitted by Wisconsin
University student William Doutrieux.
"Apparently, the duct tape holding the two dimes and nickel together
keeps jamming the coin-operated devices."
You might be from the Pacific Northwest if you:
* Feel guilty throwing aluminum cans or paper in the trash.
* Use the statement "sun break" and know what it means.
* Know more people who own boats than air conditioners.
* Feel overdressed wearing a suit to a nice restaurant.
* Stand on a deserted corner in the rain waiting for the
"Walk" signal.
* Consider that if it has no snow or has not recently erupted, it's not
a real mountain.
* Know the difference between Chinook, Coho, and Sockeye salmon.
* Know how to pronounce Sequim, Puyallup, Issaquah, Oregon, and
Willamette.
* Consider swimming an indoor sport.
* Can tell the difference between Japanese, Chinese, and Thai food.
* In winter, go to work in the dark and come home in the dark-while only
working eight-hour days.
* Never go camping without waterproof matches and a poncho.
* Are not fazed by "Today's forecast: showers followed by rain, and
Tomorrow's forecast: rain followed by showers."
* You can't wait for a day with "showers and sun breaks."
* Have no concept of humidity without precipitation.
* Know that Boring is a town in Oregon and not just a state of mind.
* Can point to at least two volcanoes, even if you can't see through the
cloud cover.
* Say, "The Mountain is out" when it's a pretty day and you
can actually see it.
* Put on your shorts when the temperature gets above 50, but still wear
your hiking boots and parka.
* Switch to your sandals when it gets above 60, but keep the socks on.
* Have actually used your mountain bike on a mountain.
* Think people who use umbrellas are either wimps or tourists.
* Knew immediately that the view out "Frasier's" window was
fake.
* Buy new sunglasses every year, because you can't find the old ones
after such a long time.
* Switch from "heat" to "a/c" in the same day. You
use a down comforter in the summer.
* Your grandparents drive 65 mph through 2 feet of water during raging
rainstorm without flinching.
* Design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over a raincoat.
* Know that driving is better in the winter because almost everybody
stays home.
* Think sexy lingerie is tube socks and flannel pajamas.
* Actually understand these comments and forward them to all your
friends in Washington or Oregon or those who used to live here.
Signs that you may be Canadian
1. You're not offended
by the term "HOMO MILK"
2. You understand the
phrase "Could you pass me a serviette, I just dropped my poutine,
on the chesterfield."
3. You eat chocolate bars,
not candy bars.
4. You drink Pop, not Soda.
5. You know that a Mickey
and 2-4's mean, "party at the camp, eh!!!"
6. You don't care about the
fuss with Cuba. It's a
cheap place to go for your holidays with good cigars and no Americans.
7. You know that a pike is
a type of fish, not part of a highway
8. You drive on a highway,
not a freeway
9. You have Canadian Tire
money in your kitchen drawers.
10. You know that Casey and
Finnegan were not part of a Celtic musical group.
11. You cried when you
heard that "Mr Dress Up" died recently.
12. You get excited
whenever an American television show mentions Canada.
13. You brag to Americans
that: Shania Twain, Jim Carrey, Celine Dion and more, are Canadians.
14. You know that the CEO
of American Airlines is a Canadian!
15. You know what a touque
is.
16. You design your
Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.
17. You know that
the last letter of the English alphabet is always pronounced
"Zed"
18. You live in a house
with no front step, but the door is one meter up from the ground.
19. Your local newspaper
covers the national news on 2 pages, but requires 6 pages for hockey.
20. You know that the four
seasons mean: winter, still winter, almost winter, and road work.
21. You know that when it's
25 degrees outside, it's a warm day.
22. You understand the
Labatt Blue commercials.
23. You know how to
pronounce and spell "Saskatchewan"
24. You perk up when you hear the theme song from 'Hockey Night in
Canada'
25. You are in grade 12,
not the 12th grade.
26. "Eh?" is a
very important part of your vocabulary, and is more polite than,
"Huh?"
27. You know the correct spelling for colour, neighbour, favour ..eh?
28. You know that a rancher is a bungalow not an old guy on the range.
29. You go on holidays, not vacations
30. You actually understand these jokes, and forward them to all of your
Canadian friends and then you send them to your American friends just to
confuse them...further.
31. Waitresses don't tell you to have a nice day, they ask "what
can I get youse guys?"
32. You don't wear fur coats in July, live in igloos or eat blubber.
33. Your dollar is worth 60 cents US so come on UP and share the wealth.
Another Canada Joke
A man in a Florida
supermarket tries to buy half a head of lettuce. The young produce
assistant tells him that they only sell whole heads.
The man persists and asks to see the manager. "Ok, I'll go ask my
manager." Says the boy.
Walking into the back room, he locates the manager and says, "Some
idiot wants to buy half a head of lettuce." As he finishes his
sentence, he turns around to find the man standing right behind him,
so he adds, "and this gentleman has kindly offered to buy the other
half." The manager approves the deal and the man goes on his way.
Later that afternoon the manager says to the boy, "I was quite
impressed with the way you got yourself out of that earlier
situation; we like employees who can think on their feet. So, son,
where are you from?"
"Canada, sir," the boy replies.
"Well, why did you leave Canada ?" the manager asks.
The boy says, "Sir, there's nothing but loose women and hockey
players in Canada."
"Really?" says the manager. "My wife is from Canada."
“Oh, what team does
she play for?”
Wanna see the previous Volumes?
Click here: Volume I, Volume
III
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