Dear Tide: I am writing to say what an excellent product you have!  I've used it all through my married life. My Mom always told me it was the best. Now that I am in my fifties, I find it's even better!  In fact, about a month ago, I spilled some red wine on my new white blouse. My inconsiderate and uncaring husband started to berate me about how clumsy I was, and generally started becoming a pain in the neck. One thing led to another and somehow I ended up with a lot of his blood on my white blouse. I tried to get the stain out using a bargain detergent, but it just wouldn't come out. After a quick trip to the supermarket, I purchased a bottle of liquid Tide with bleach alternative, and to my surprise and satisfaction, all of the stains came out!  In fact, the stains came out so well the detectives who came by yesterday told me that the DNA tests on my blouse were negative and then my attorney called and said that I would no longer be considered a suspect in the disappearance of my husband. What a relief! Going through menopause is bad enough without being a murder suspect! I thank you, once again, for having such a great product.  Well, gotta' go. I have to write a letter to the Hefty bag people.  

Traffic Court

A New York man was forced to take a day off from work to appear for a minor traffic summons. He grew increasingly restless as he waited hour after endless hour for his case to be heard. When his name was called late in the afternoon, he stood before the judge only to hear that court would be adjourned for the next day and he would have to return.

“What for?” he snapped at the judge.

His Honor, equally irked by the tedious day and the sharp query, roared, “Twenty dollars contempt of court. That’s what for!”

“It’s all right. You don’t have to pay now.”

The young man replied, “I’m just seeing if I have enough for two more words!”

Dumb White Men

An old Indian chief sat in his hut on the reservation, smoking a ceremonial pipe and eyeing two U.S. government officials sent to interview him.
"Chief Two Eagles," asked one official, "you have observed the white man for 90 years. You've seen his wars and his technological advances. You've seen his progress, and the damage he's done."
The Chief nodded in agreement.
The official continued, "considering all these events, in your opinion, where did the white man go wrong?"
The Chief stared at the government officials for over a minute and then calmly replied: "When white man found the land, Indians were running it. No taxes, No debt, Plenty buffalo, Plenty beaver, Women did all the work, Medicine man free, Indian man spent all day hunting and fishing, All night ! having sex. “Then the chief leaned back and smiled: "Only white man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that."

Can't eat Beef = Mad cow....
Can't eat chicken = bird flu
Can't eat eggs = Salmonella
Can't eat pork = trichinosis...
Can't eat fish = heavy metals in the waters has poisoned them
Can't eat fruits and veggies = insecticides and herbicides
Hmm, I believe that leaves Chocolate

Remember: STRESSED spelled backwards is DESSERTS. Send this to four people and you will lose 2 pounds. Send this to everyone you know (or ever knew), and you will lose 10 pounds. If you delete this message, you will gain 10 pounds immediately. That's why I had to pass this on, I didn't want to risk it.

 
BREAKING NEWS - NEW YORK TIMES: In an attempt to put a halt to the spread of Bird Flu, George W. Bush has bombed the Canary Islands.

More on Newspapers

1. The Wall Street Journal is read by the people who run the country.
2. The Washington Post is read by people who think they run the country.
3. The New York Times is read by people who think they should run the country and who are very good at crossword puzzles.
4. USA Today is read by people who think they ought to run the country but don't really understand The New York Times. They do, however, like their statistics shown in pie charts.
5. The Los Angeles Times is read by people who wouldn't mind running the country -- if they could
find the time -- and if they didn't have to leave Southern California to do it.
6. The Boston Globe is read by people whose parents used to run the country and did a far
superior job of it, thank you very much.
7. The New York Daily News is read by people who aren't too sure who's running the country and don't really care as long as they can get a seat on the train.
8. The New York Post is read by people who don't care who's running the country as long as they do something really scandalous, preferably while intoxicated.
9. The Miami Herald is read by people who are running another country but need the baseball scores.
10. The San Francisco Chronicle is read by people who aren't sure there is a country .. or that anyone is running it; but if so, they oppose all that they stand for. There are occasional exceptions if the leaders are handicapped minority feminist atheist dwarfs who also happen to be illegal aliens from any other country or galaxy, provided, of course, that they are not Republicans.
11. The National Enquirer is read by people trapped in line at the grocery store.

Regional Humor

Californians: You know you're in California when......
1. Your coworker has 8 body piercings and none are visible.
2. You make over $300,000 and still can't afford a house.
3.  It's barely sprinkling rain outside, so you leave for work an hour early to avoid all the weather-related accidents.
4. Your child's 3rd-grade teacher has purple hair, a nose ring, and is named Breeze.
5. You can't remember...is pot illegal?
6. You've been to a baby shower that has two mothers and a sperm donor.
7. You have a very strong opinion about where your coffee beans are  grown, and you can taste the difference between Sumatran and Ethiopian.
8. You know which restaurant serves the freshest arugula.
9. You can't remember.... is pot illegal?
10. A really great parking space can totally move you to tears.
11. Gas costs $1.00 per gallon more than anywhere else in the U.S.
12. Unlike back home, the guy at 8:30am at Starbucks wearing the baseball cap and sunglasses who looks like George Clooney really IS George Clooney!
13. Your car insurance costs as much as your house payment.
14. Your hairdresser is straight, your plumber is gay, the woman who delivers your mail is into S&M, and your Mary Kay rep is a guy in drag.
15. You can't remember...is pot illegal?
16. You have to leave the big company meeting early because Billy Blanks himself is teaching the 4:00pm Tae Bo class.
17. You pass an elementary school playground and the children are all busy with their cells or pagers.
18. Hey! Is Pot Illegal?
19. Both you AND your dog have therapists.
20. The Terminator is your govenater.  

You might be from the Pacific Northwest if you:
* Feel guilty throwing aluminum cans or paper in the trash.
* Use the statement "sun break" and know what it means.
* Know more people who own boats than air conditioners.
* Feel overdressed wearing a suit to a nice restaurant.
* Stand on a deserted corner in the rain waiting for the "Walk" signal.
* Consider that if it has no snow or has not recently erupted, it's not a real mountain.
* Know the difference between Chinook, Coho, and Sockeye salmon.
* Know how to pronounce Sequim, Puyallup, Issaquah, Oregon, and Willamette.
* Consider swimming an indoor sport.
* Can tell the difference between Japanese, Chinese, and Thai food.
* In winter, go to work in the dark and come home in the dark-while only working eight-hour days.
* Never go camping without waterproof matches and a poncho.
* Are not fazed by "Today's forecast: showers followed by rain, and Tomorrow's forecast: rain followed by showers."
* You can't wait for a day with "showers and sun breaks."
* Have no concept of humidity without precipitation.
* Know that Boring is a town in Oregon and not just a state of mind.
* Can point to at least two volcanoes, even if you can't see through the cloud cover.
* Say, "The Mountain is out" when it's a pretty day and you can actually see it.
* Put on your shorts when the temperature gets above 50, but still wear your hiking boots and parka.
* Switch to your sandals when it gets above 60, but keep the socks on.
* Have actually used your mountain bike on a mountain.
* Think people who use umbrellas are either wimps or tourists.
* Knew immediately that the view out "Frasier's" window was fake.
* Buy new sunglasses every year, because you can't find the old ones after such a long time.
* Switch from "heat" to "a/c" in the same day. You use a down comforter in the summer.
* Your grandparents drive 65 mph through 2 feet of water during raging rainstorm without flinching.
* Design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over a raincoat.
* Know that driving is better in the winter because almost everybody stays home.
* Think sexy lingerie is tube socks and flannel pajamas.
* Actually understand these comments and forward them to all your friends in Washington or Oregon or those who used to live here.

Signs that you may be Canadian
1.  You're not offended by the term "HOMO MILK"
2.  You understand the phrase "Could you pass me a serviette, I just dropped my poutine, on the chesterfield."
3.  You eat chocolate bars, not candy bars.
4.  You drink Pop, not Soda.
5.  You know that a Mickey and 2-4's mean, "party at the camp, eh!!!"
6.  You don't care about the fuss with Cuba.  It's a cheap place to go for your holidays with good cigars and no Americans.
7.  You know that a pike is a type of fish, not part of a highway
8.  You drive on a highway, not a freeway
9.  You have Canadian Tire money in your kitchen drawers.
10.  You know that Casey and Finnegan were not part of a Celtic musical group.
11.  You cried when you heard that "Mr Dress Up" died recently.  
12.  You get excited whenever an American television show mentions Canada.
13.  You brag to Americans that: Shania Twain, Jim Carrey, Celine Dion and more, are Canadians.
14.  You know that the CEO of American Airlines is a Canadian!
15.  You know what a touque is.
16.  You design your Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.  
17.  You know that the last letter of the English alphabet is always pronounced "Zed"
18.  You live in a house with no front step, but the door is one meter up from the ground.
19.  Your local newspaper covers the national news on 2 pages, but requires 6 pages for hockey.
20.  You know that the four seasons mean: winter, still winter, almost winter, and road work.
21.  You know that when it's 25 degrees outside, it's a warm day.
22.  You understand the Labatt Blue commercials.
23.  You know how to pronounce and spell "Saskatchewan" 
24.  You perk up when you hear the theme song from 'Hockey Night in Canada'
25.  You are in grade 12, not the 12th grade.
26.  "Eh?" is a very important part of your vocabulary, and is more polite than, "Huh?"
27. You know the correct spelling for colour, neighbour, favour ..eh?
28. You know that a rancher is a bungalow not an old guy on the range.
29. You go on holidays, not vacations
30. You actually understand these jokes, and forward them to all of your Canadian friends and then you send them to your American friends just to confuse them...further.
31. Waitresses don't tell you to have a nice day, they ask "what can I get youse guys?"
32. You don't wear fur coats in July, live in igloos or eat blubber.
33. Your dollar is worth 60 cents US so come on UP and share the wealth.

Another Canada Joke

A man in a Florida supermarket tries to buy half a head of lettuce. The young produce assistant tells him that they only sell whole heads.

The man persists and asks to see the manager. "Ok, I'll go ask my manager." Says the boy.

Walking into the back room, he locates the manager and says, "Some idiot wants to buy half a head of lettuce." As he finishes his sentence, he turns around to find the man standing right behind him, so he adds, "and this gentleman has kindly offered to buy the other half." The manager approves the deal and the man goes on his way.

Later that afternoon the manager says to the boy, "I was quite impressed with the way you got yourself out of that earlier situation; we like employees who can think on their feet. So, son, where are you from?"

"Canada, sir," the boy replies.

"Well, why did you leave Canada ?" the manager asks.

The boy says, "Sir, there's nothing but loose women and hockey players in Canada."

"Really?" says the manager. "My wife is from Canada."

“Oh, what team does she play for?”

Some odd things about England...
(Editor’s note: I think “some” body made most of this stuff up, what who knows. We believe everything that comes to us via email, right?)

1. In Shakespeare's time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes. When you pulled on the ropes the mattress tightened, making the bed firmer to sleep on. Hence the phrase "goodnight, sleep tight".
2. In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts. So in old England, when customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them mind their own pints and quarts and settle down. It's where we get the phrase "mind your P's and Q's"
3. Many years ago in England, pub frequenters had a whistle baked into the rim or handle of their ceramic cups. When they needed a refill, they used the whistle to get some service. "Wet your whistle" is the phrase inspired by this practice.
4. In ancient England a person could not have sex unless you had consent of the King (unless you were in the Royal Family). When anyone wanted to have a baby, they got consent of the King, the King gave them a placard that they hung on their door while they were having sex. The placard had F.*.*.*. (Fornication Under Consent of the King)
on it. Now you know where that came from.
5. In Scotland, a new game was invented. It was entitled Gentlemen Only Ladies Forbidden.... and thus the word GOLF entered into the English language.

Wanna see the previous Volumes? Click here: Volume I, Volume III