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Humor Archive, Vol. II

(Like the energizer bunny, the humor just keeps on going... more funny stuff from previous issues...in case you missed it.)

Reminder: Clever Magazine does not claim authorship of any material included in this humor page, or any other humor page, unless specifically indicated.  Feel free to copy and forward anything you like from this column.

Pearly Gates Jokes
Regional Jokes, including Canada!
Miscellaneous Funny Stuff


heaven?


Pearly Gates Jokes:

The Senator and St Peter: While walking down the street one day a corrupt Senator was hit by a bus and died. His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.

"Welcome to heaven," says St.. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."

"No problem, just let me in," says the Senator.

"Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from the higher ups. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity."

"Really?, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven," says the Senator.

"I'm sorry, but we have our rules."

And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.
The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.
Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people. They played a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and the finest champagne. Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who is having a good time dancing and telling jokes.

They are all having such a good time that before the Senator realizes it, it is time to go. Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises.The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens in heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him, "Now it's time to visit heaven...”;

So, 24 hours passed with the Senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.

"Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity."

The Senator reflects for a minute, then he answers: "Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell."

So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell...

Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls to the ground. The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulders.

"I don't understand," stammers the Senator. "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?"

The devil smiles at him and says, "Yesterday we were campaigning. Today, you voted.."

Dolly Parton and Queen Elizabeth at the Pearly Gates

Dolly Parton and Queen Elizabeth die on the same day and they both go before an Angel to find out if they'll be admitted to Heaven. Unfortunately, there's only one space left that day, so the angel must decide which of them gets in. The Angel asks Dolly if there's some particular reason why she
should get into Heaven.
 
Dolly takes off her top and says, 'Look at these, they're the most perfect breasts God ever created, and I'm sure the angels will be pleased to see them every day, for eternity.'
 
The Angel thanks Dolly, and asks Her Majesty the same question..
 
The Queen takes a bottle of Perrier out of her purse, shakes it up, and gargles. Then, she spits into a toilet and pulls the lever. The angel chuckles and says, 'Okay, Your Majesty, you may go in.'
 
Dolly is outraged and asks, 'What was that all about?   I show you two of God's own perfect creations and you turn me down. She spits into a commode and gets in! Would you explain that to me?'
 
'Sorry, Dolly,' says the angel, 'but, even in Heaven, a royal flush beats a pair - no matter how big they are.'

Christmas at the Pearly Gates

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.
'In honor of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'you must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'
The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It represents a candle', he said.
'You may pass through the pearly gates,' Saint Peter said.
The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, 'They're bells.'
Saint Peter said, 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.
The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties. St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what do those symbolize?'
The man replied, 'These are Carols.'

One day a guy dies and finds himself in hell. As he is wallowing in despair, he has his first meeting with the devil...

Satan: "Why so glum?"
Guy: "What do you think? I'm in hell!"
Satan: "Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinking man?"
Guy: "Sure, I love to drink."
Satan: "Well, you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays, that's all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, Tab, and Fresca. We drink 'til we throw up, and then we drink some more! And you don't have to worry about getting a hangover, because you're dead anyway."
Guy: "Gee that sounds great!"
Satan: "You a smoker?"
Guy: "You better believe it"
Satan: "All right! You're gonna love Tuesdays We get the finest cigars from all over the world, and smoke our lungs out. ;If you get cancer - no biggie, you're already dead, remember?"
Guy: "Wow...that's awesome!"
Satan: "I bet you like to gamble."
Guy: "Why, yes, as a matter of fact I do."
Satan: "Good, 'cause Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Craps, blackjack, roulette, poker, slots, whatever. If you go bankrupt, it doesn't matter, you're dead anyhow."
Guy: "Cool!"
Satan: "What about drugs?"
Guy: "Are you kidding? Love drugs! You don't mean...?"
Satan: "That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want. You're dead so who cares."
Guy: "Wow! I never realized Hell was such a cool place!"
Satan: "You gay?"
Guy: "No..."
Satan: "Oooo, Fridays are gonna be tough..."

Marriage in Heaven

On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple was involved in a fatal car accident. The couple found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven.
While waiting they began to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven?

When St. Peter arrived they asked him if they could get married in heaven. St. Peter said, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out," and he left.

The couple sat and waited for an answer... for a couple of months. While they waited, they discussed the pros and cons. If they were allowed to get married in Heaven, should they get married, what with the eternal aspect of it all? "What if it doesn't work? Are we stuck in Heaven together forever?"

Another month passed. St. Peter finally returned, looking somewhat bedraggled. "Yes," he informed the couple, "You can get married in Heaven."

"Great!" said the couple. "But we were just wondering; what if things don't work out? Could we also
get a divorce in Heaven?"

St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard on the ground.

"What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple.

"OH, COME ON!!!" St. Peter shouted. "It took me 3 months to find a priest up here! Do you have ANY idea how long it'll take to find a lawyer???"


Two ladies at St. Peters’ Gate

1st woman : Hi! My name is Wanda.
2nd woman : Hi! I'm Kelly. How'd you die?
1st woman : I Froze to Death.
2nd woman : How Horrible!
1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?
2nd woman : I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.
1st woman: So, what happened?
2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.
1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer---we'd both still be alive!

A man arrives at the Pearly Gates, waiting to be admitted. St. Peter is reading through the Big Book to see if the fellow's name is written in it. After several minutes, St. Peter closes the book, furrows his brow, and says, "I'm sorry, I don't see your name written in the Book."

"How current is your copy?" he asks.

"I get a download every ten minutes," St. Peter replies, "why do you ask?"

"I'm embarrassed to admit it, but I was always the stubborn type. It was not until my death was imminent that I cried out to God, so my name probably hasn't arrived to your copy yet."

"I'm glad to hear that," St. Peter says, "but while we're waiting for the update to come through, can tell me about a really good deed that you did in your life?"

The guys thinks for a moment and says, "Hmm, well there was this one time when I was driving down a road and I saw a big gang harassing this poor girl. I slowed down, and sure enough, there they were, about 20 of 'em torturing this poor woman. Infuriated, I got out my car, grabbed a tire iron out of my trunk, and walked up to the leader of the gang. He was a huge guy -- 6-foot-6, 280 pounds, with a studded leather jacket and a chain running from his nose to his ears. As I walked up to the leader, they formed a circle around me and told me to get lost or I'd be next.

"So I ripped the leader's chain out of his face and smashed him over the head with the tire iron. Then I turned around and yelled to the rest of them, "Leave this poor innocent girl alone! You're all a bunch of SICK, deranged animals! Go home before I really teach you a lesson in PAIN!"

St. Peter, duly impressed, says "Wow! When did this happen?"

"Oh, about 8 minutes ago."

A woman arrived at the Gates of Heaven. While she was waiting for Saint Peter to greet her, she peeked through the Gates. She saw a beautiful banquet table. Sitting all around were her parents and all the other people she had loved and who had died before her. They saw her and began calling greetings to her.

"Hello - How are you! We've been waiting for you! Good to see you."

When Saint Peter came by, the woman said to him "This is such a wonderful place! How do I get in?"

"You have to spell a word," Saint Peter told her.

"Which word?" the woman asked.  "Love."

The woman correctly spelled "Love" and Saint Peter welcomed her into Heaven. About a year later, Saint Peter came to the woman and asked her to watch the Gates of Heaven for him that day. While the woman was guarding the Gates of Heaven, her husband arrived.

"I'm surprised to see you," the woman said. "How have you been?"

"Oh, I've been doing pretty well since you died," her husband told her. "I married the beautiful young nurse who took care of you while you were ill. And then I won the lottery. I sold the little house you and I lived in and bought a big mansion. And my wife and I traveled all around the world. We were on vacation and I went water skiing today. I fell and hit my head, and here I am. How do I get in?"  

"You have to spell a word," the woman told him.

"Which word?" her husband asked. "Czechoslovakia."  

Sister Margaret had been a model nun all her life, but then she was called to her reward. As she approached the Pearly Gates, Saint Peter said, "Hold on, Sister Margaret...not so fast!"

"But I have been good all my life and dedicated to the work of the Lord. From the time I was taken in as an infant by the sisters at the convent to my dying breath... I have lived for this moment!" Sister Margaret exclaimed in disbelief.

"That is just the problem...you never learned right from wrong and to get into heaven, you must know the difference between right and wrong," replied St. Peter.

"Well, what can I do? I will do anything to get into heaven!" Sister Margaret pleaded.

"I am going to have to send you back down to Earth. When you get there, I want you to smoke a cigarette and call me when you are finished...we will discuss your situation then," ordered St. Peter.

Sister Margaret returned to Earth, smoked a Camel, and then called St. Peter coughing and hacking. "Saint Peter" she gasped, "I can hardly breathe, my mouth tastes terrible, my breath stinks, I feel dizzy, and I think I am going to throw up!"

"Good!" replied the old saint, "Now you are finally getting a feel for right and wrong. Now go out tonight and drink some hard liquor and call me immediately."

Sister Margaret phoned St. Peter shortly after taking several belts of Jack Daniels. "Saint Peter...I feel woozy... that vile liquid burned my throat and nauseate me...it is all I can do to keep it down."

"Good ... good! Now you are starting to see the difference between right and wrong" said St. Peter with delight. "Tomorrow I want you to seek out a man and know him in the Biblical sense and then call me."

A week later, Sister Margaret called St. Peter and left a message: "Hello, Pete ... it's Peggy. I'm gonna be a while!"


A cat died and went to Heaven. God met her at the gates and said, "You have been a good cat all these years. Anything you want is yours for the asking."

The cat thought for a minute and then said, "All my life I lived on a farm and slept on hard wooden floors. I would like a real fluffy pillow to sleep on."

God said, "Say no more." Instantly the cat had a huge fluffy pillow.

A few days later, six mice were killed in an accident and they all went to Heaven together. God met the mice at the gates with the same offer that He made to the cat.

The mice said, "Well, we have had to run all of our lives: from cats, dogs and even people with brooms! If we could just have some little roller skates, we would not have to run again."

God answered, "It is done." All the mice had beautiful little roller skates.

About a week later, God decided to check on the cat. He found her sound asleep on her fluffy pillow. God gently awakened the cat and asked, "Is everything okay? How have you been doing? Are you happy?"

The cat replied, "Oh, it is WONDERFUL. I have never been so happy in my life. The pillow is so fluffy, and those little Meals on Wheels you have been sending over are delicious!"    

Church: A man was in front of me coming out of church one Christmas day and the preacher was standing at the door as he always is to shake hands. He grabbed my friend by the hand and pulled him aside and said: “You need to join the Army of the Lord!”

The man replied, “I’m already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor.”

The Pastor questioned, “How com I don’t see you except at Christmas and Easter?”

He whispered back, “I’m in the secret service.”  


Miscellaneous Humor


The Zen of Sarcasm

1.  Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me,  for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me alone.
2.  The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and leaky tire.
3.   It is always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbors newspaper, that's the time to do it.
4.  Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
5.  Always remember that you're unique. Just like everyone else.
6.  Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
7.  If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
8.  Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
9.  If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is probably not for you.
10.  Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
11.  If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably a wise investment.
12.  If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
13. Some days you're the bug; some days you're the windshield.
14. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
15. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.
16. A closed mouth gathers no feet.
17. Duct tape is like 'The Force'. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.
18. There are two theories to arguing with women.  Neither one works.
19.  Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.
20.  Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
21.  Never miss a good chance to shut up.
22.  Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

Forever Puns
Energizer Bunny arrested - charged with battery.
A pessimist's blood type is always b-negative.
Practice safe eating - always use condiments.
A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.
Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
If electricity comes from electrons... does that mean that morality comes from morons?
Marriage is the mourning after the knot before.
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Corduroy pillows are making headlines.
Is a book on voyeurism a peeping tome?
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
Banning the bra was a big flop.
Sea captains don't like crew cuts.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
A successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter.
Time flies like an arrow.  Fruit flies like a banana.
A gossip is someone with a great sense of rumour.
Without geometry, life is pointless..
When you dream in color, it's a pigment of your imagination.
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.
When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.

Little Susie gets home from school, and tells her mum that the boys, where asking her to do cartwheels. And said she was real good at it. Mum said, "Don't do it. The boys only want to see your knickers. Susie said "I know, that's why I hid them in my backpack." 

Pat Sajak's stupid spring joke: I thought I saw the first robin of spring yesterday, but it was just a pigeon with a chaffed breast.

Help!
I did what you told me ...
I sent the email to 10 people like you said .
I'm still waiting for that miracle to happen .

To all my friends who in the last year sent me best 'wishes', chain letters, 'angel' letters or other
promises of good luck if I forwarded something, NONE OF THAT SHIT WORKED! For the rest of 2008, could you please just send money, vodka, chocolate, movie tickets or gasoline vouchers and airline tickets instead? Thank you!

Native American Wisdom...
When told the reason for daylight saving time the old Indian said..."Only a white man would believe that you could cut a foot off the top of a blanket and sew it to the bottom of a blanket and have a longer blanket."

MENTAL HOSPITAL PHONE MENU

Hello and thank you for calling The State Mental Hospital. Please select from the following options menu:
If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.
If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want, stay on the line so we can trace your call.
If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be forwarded to the Mother Ship.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, nothing will make you happy anyway.
If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696.
If you are bipolar, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have low self-esteem, please hang up our operators are too busy to talk with you.
If you are menopausal, put the gun down, hang up, turn on the fan, lie down and cry. You won't be crazy forever.
If you are blonde, don't press any buttons, you'll just mess it up.

This coming week is National Mental Health Care week. You can do your part by remembering to contact at least one unstable person to show you care.

Steven Spielberg was discussing his new project - an action docudrama about famous composers starring top movie stars. Sylvester Stallone, Steven Segall, Bruce Willis, and Arnold Schwarzenegger were all present. Spielberg strongly desired the box office 'oomph' of these superstars, so he was prepared to allow them to select whatever composers they wished to portray, as long as they were famous.

"Well," started Stallone, "I've always admired Mozart. I would love to play him."

"Chopin has always been my favorite, and my image would improve if people saw me playing the piano," replied Willis. "I'll play him."

"I've always been partial to Strauss and his waltzes," said Segall. "I'd like to play him."

Spielberg was very pleased with these choices. "Sounds splendid." Then, turning to Schwarzenegger, he asked, "Who do you want to be, Arnold?"
Arnold in a slow deliberate voice replied, "I'll be Bach."

There are many stories related to the sinking of the "Titanic". Some have just come to light due to the success of the recent movie. For example, most people don't know that back in 1912, Hellman's mayonnaise was manufactured in England. The "Titanic" was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico, which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after New York City. The Mexican people were eagerly awaiting delivery and were disconsolate at the loss. So much so that they declared a national day of mourning which they still observe today. It is known, of course, as: Sinko de Mayo.

Dear Tide: I am writing to say what an excellent product you have!  I've used it all through my married life. My Mom always told me it was the best. Now that I am in my fifties, I find it's even better!  In fact, about a month ago, I spilled some red wine on my new white blouse. My inconsiderate and uncaring husband started to berate me about how clumsy I was, and generally started becoming a pain in the neck. One thing led to another and somehow I ended up with a lot of his blood on my white blouse. I tried to get the stain out using a bargain detergent, but it just wouldn't come out. After a quick trip to the supermarket, I purchased a bottle of liquid Tide with bleach alternative, and to my surprise and satisfaction, all of the stains came out!  In fact, the stains came out so well the detectives who came by yesterday told me that the DNA tests on my blouse were negative and then my attorney called and said that I would no longer be considered a suspect in the disappearance of my husband. What a relief! Going through menopause is bad enough without being a murder suspect! I thank you, once again, for having such a great product.  Well, gotta' go. I have to write a letter to the Hefty bag people.  

Traffic Court

A New York man was forced to take a day off from work to appear for a minor traffic summons. He grew increasingly restless as he waited hour after endless hour for his case to be heard. When his name was called late in the afternoon, he stood before the judge only to hear that court would be adjourned for the next day and he would have to return.

“What for?” he snapped at the judge.

His Honor, equally irked by the tedious day and the sharp query, roared, “Twenty dollars contempt of court. That’s what for!”

“It’s all right. You don’t have to pay now.”

The young man replied, “I’m just seeing if I have enough for two more words!”

Dumb White Men

An old Indian chief sat in his hut on the reservation, smoking a ceremonial pipe and eyeing two U.S. government officials sent to interview him.
"Chief Two Eagles," asked one official, "you have observed the white man for 90 years. You've seen his wars and his technological advances. You've seen his progress, and the damage he's done."
The Chief nodded in agreement.
The official continued, "considering all these events, in your opinion, where did the white man go wrong?"
The Chief stared at the government officials for over a minute and then calmly replied: "When white man found the land, Indians were running it. No taxes, No debt, Plenty buffalo, Plenty beaver, Women did all the work, Medicine man free, Indian man spent all day hunting and fishing, All night ! having sex. “Then the chief leaned back and smiled: "Only white man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that."

Can't eat Beef = Mad cow....
Can't eat chicken = bird flu
Can't eat eggs = Salmonella
Can't eat pork = trichinosis...
Can't eat fish = heavy metals in the waters has poisoned them
Can't eat fruits and veggies = insecticides and herbicides
Hmm, I believe that leaves Chocolate

Remember: STRESSED spelled backwards is DESSERTS. Send this to four people and you will lose 2 pounds. Send this to everyone you know (or ever knew), and you will lose 10 pounds. If you delete this message, you will gain 10 pounds immediately. That's why I had to pass this on, I didn't want to risk it.

 
BREAKING NEWS - NEW YORK TIMES: In an attempt to put a halt to the spread of Bird Flu, George W. Bush has bombed the Canary Islands.

More on Newspapers

1. The Wall Street Journal is read by the people who run the country.
2. The Washington Post is read by people who think they run the country.
3. The New York Times is read by people who think they should run the country and who are very good at crossword puzzles.
4. USA Today is read by people who think they ought to run the country but don't really understand The New York Times. They do, however, like their statistics shown in pie charts.
5. The Los Angeles Times is read by people who wouldn't mind running the country -- if they could
find the time -- and if they didn't have to leave Southern California to do it.
6. The Boston Globe is read by people whose parents used to run the country and did a far
superior job of it, thank you very much.
7. The New York Daily News is read by people who aren't too sure who's running the country and don't really care as long as they can get a seat on the train.
8. The New York Post is read by people who don't care who's running the country as long as they do something really scandalous, preferably while intoxicated.
9. The Miami Herald is read by people who are running another country but need the baseball scores.
10. The San Francisco Chronicle is read by people who aren't sure there is a country .. or that anyone is running it; but if so, they oppose all that they stand for. There are occasional exceptions if the leaders are handicapped minority feminist atheist dwarfs who also happen to be illegal aliens from any other country or galaxy, provided, of course, that they are not Republicans.
11. The National Enquirer is read by people trapped in line at the grocery store.


Regional Humor

Some odd things about England...
(Editor’s note: I think “some” body made most of this stuff up, what who knows. We believe everything that comes to us via email, right?)
1. In Shakespeare's time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes. When you pulled on the ropes the mattress tightened, making the bed firmer to sleep on. Hence the phrase "goodnight, sleep tight".
2. In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts. So in old England, when customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them mind their own pints and quarts and settle down. It's where we get the phrase "mind your P's and Q's"
3. Many years ago in England, pub frequenters had a whistle baked into the rim or handle of their ceramic cups. When they needed a refill, they used the whistle to get some service. "Wet your whistle" is the phrase inspired by this practice.
4. In ancient England a person could not have sex unless you had consent of the King (unless you were in the Royal Family). When anyone wanted to have a baby, they got consent of the King, the King gave them a placard that they hung on their door while they were having sex. The placard had F.*.*.*. (Fornication Under Consent of the King) on it. Now you know where that came from.
5. In Scotland, a new game was invented. It was entitled Gentlemen Only Ladies Forbidden.... and thus the word GOLF entered into the English language.

Californians: You know you're in California when......
1. Your coworker has 8 body piercings and none are visible.
2. You make over $300,000 and still can't afford a house.
3.  It's barely sprinkling rain outside, so you leave for work an hour early to avoid all the weather-related accidents.
4. Your child's 3rd-grade teacher has purple hair, a nose ring, and is named Breeze.
5. You can't remember...is pot illegal?
6. You've been to a baby shower that has two mothers and a sperm donor.
7. You have a very strong opinion about where your coffee beans are  grown, and you can taste the difference between Sumatran and Ethiopian.
8. You know which restaurant serves the freshest arugula.
9. You can't remember.... is pot illegal?
10. A really great parking space can totally move you to tears.
11. Gas costs $1.00 per gallon more than anywhere else in the U.S.
12. Unlike back home, the guy at 8:30am at Starbucks wearing the baseball cap and sunglasses who looks like George Clooney really IS George Clooney!
13. Your car insurance costs as much as your house payment.
14. Your hairdresser is straight, your plumber is gay, the woman who delivers your mail is into S&M, and your Mary Kay rep is a guy in drag.
15. You can't remember...is pot illegal?
16. You have to leave the big company meeting early because Billy Blanks himself is teaching the 4:00pm Tae Bo class.
17. You pass an elementary school playground and the children are all busy with their cells or pagers.
18. Hey! Is Pot Illegal?
19. Both you AND your dog have therapists.
20. The Terminator is your govenater.  

Wisconsin Quarters

If any of you are collecting the new quarters, you may have to wait awhile for the Wisconsin ones. The United States Treasury has announced they are recalling the new Wisconsin quarters. "We are recalling all of the new Wisconsin quarters that were recently issued," Treasury Undersecretary Russell Shackelford said in a press conference Monday.

"This comes in the wake of numerous reports to this agency that the quarters will not work in parking meters, toll booths, vending machines, pay phones, or other coin- operated devices."

"We believe the problem lies in a design flaw," said Skackelford. The winning design for the Wisconsin quarter was submitted by Wisconsin University student William Doutrieux.

"Apparently, the duct tape holding the two dimes and nickel together keeps jamming the coin-operated devices."

You might be from the Pacific Northwest if you:
* Feel guilty throwing aluminum cans or paper in the trash.
* Use the statement "sun break" and know what it means.
* Know more people who own boats than air conditioners.
* Feel overdressed wearing a suit to a nice restaurant.
* Stand on a deserted corner in the rain waiting for the "Walk" signal.
* Consider that if it has no snow or has not recently erupted, it's not a real mountain.
* Know the difference between Chinook, Coho, and Sockeye salmon.
* Know how to pronounce Sequim, Puyallup, Issaquah, Oregon, and Willamette.
* Consider swimming an indoor sport.
* Can tell the difference between Japanese, Chinese, and Thai food.
* In winter, go to work in the dark and come home in the dark-while only working eight-hour days.
* Never go camping without waterproof matches and a poncho.
* Are not fazed by "Today's forecast: showers followed by rain, and Tomorrow's forecast: rain followed by showers."
* You can't wait for a day with "showers and sun breaks."
* Have no concept of humidity without precipitation.
* Know that Boring is a town in Oregon and not just a state of mind.
* Can point to at least two volcanoes, even if you can't see through the cloud cover.
* Say, "The Mountain is out" when it's a pretty day and you can actually see it.
* Put on your shorts when the temperature gets above 50, but still wear your hiking boots and parka.
* Switch to your sandals when it gets above 60, but keep the socks on.
* Have actually used your mountain bike on a mountain.
* Think people who use umbrellas are either wimps or tourists.
* Knew immediately that the view out "Frasier's" window was fake.
* Buy new sunglasses every year, because you can't find the old ones after such a long time.
* Switch from "heat" to "a/c" in the same day. You use a down comforter in the summer.
* Your grandparents drive 65 mph through 2 feet of water during raging rainstorm without flinching.
* Design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over a raincoat.
* Know that driving is better in the winter because almost everybody stays home.
* Think sexy lingerie is tube socks and flannel pajamas.
* Actually understand these comments and forward them to all your friends in Washington or Oregon or those who used to live here.

Signs that you may be Canadian
1.  You're not offended by the term "HOMO MILK"
2.  You understand the phrase "Could you pass me a serviette, I just dropped my poutine, on the chesterfield."
3.  You eat chocolate bars, not candy bars.
4.  You drink Pop, not Soda.
5.  You know that a Mickey and 2-4's mean, "party at the camp, eh!!!"
6.  You don't care about the fuss with Cuba.  It's a cheap place to go for your holidays with good cigars and no Americans.
7.  You know that a pike is a type of fish, not part of a highway
8.  You drive on a highway, not a freeway
9.  You have Canadian Tire money in your kitchen drawers.
10.  You know that Casey and Finnegan were not part of a Celtic musical group.
11.  You cried when you heard that "Mr Dress Up" died recently.  
12.  You get excited whenever an American television show mentions Canada.
13.  You brag to Americans that: Shania Twain, Jim Carrey, Celine Dion and more, are Canadians.
14.  You know that the CEO of American Airlines is a Canadian!
15.  You know what a touque is.
16.  You design your Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.  
17.  You know that the last letter of the English alphabet is always pronounced "Zed"
18.  You live in a house with no front step, but the door is one meter up from the ground.
19.  Your local newspaper covers the national news on 2 pages, but requires 6 pages for hockey.
20.  You know that the four seasons mean: winter, still winter, almost winter, and road work.
21.  You know that when it's 25 degrees outside, it's a warm day.
22.  You understand the Labatt Blue commercials.
23.  You know how to pronounce and spell "Saskatchewan" 
24.  You perk up when you hear the theme song from 'Hockey Night in Canada'
25.  You are in grade 12, not the 12th grade.
26.  "Eh?" is a very important part of your vocabulary, and is more polite than, "Huh?"
27. You know the correct spelling for colour, neighbour, favour ..eh?
28. You know that a rancher is a bungalow not an old guy on the range.
29. You go on holidays, not vacations
30. You actually understand these jokes, and forward them to all of your Canadian friends and then you send them to your American friends just to confuse them...further.
31. Waitresses don't tell you to have a nice day, they ask "what can I get youse guys?"
32. You don't wear fur coats in July, live in igloos or eat blubber.
33. Your dollar is worth 60 cents US so come on UP and share the wealth.

Another Canada Joke

A man in a Florida supermarket tries to buy half a head of lettuce. The young produce assistant tells him that they only sell whole heads.

The man persists and asks to see the manager. "Ok, I'll go ask my manager." Says the boy.

Walking into the back room, he locates the manager and says, "Some idiot wants to buy half a head of lettuce." As he finishes his sentence, he turns around to find the man standing right behind him, so he adds, "and this gentleman has kindly offered to buy the other half." The manager approves the deal and the man goes on his way.

Later that afternoon the manager says to the boy, "I was quite impressed with the way you got yourself out of that earlier situation; we like employees who can think on their feet. So, son, where are you from?"

"Canada, sir," the boy replies.

"Well, why did you leave Canada ?" the manager asks.

The boy says, "Sir, there's nothing but loose women and hockey players in Canada."

"Really?" says the manager. "My wife is from Canada."

“Oh, what team does she play for?”


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