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Here's the Humor Archive Vol. I Reminder: Clever Magazine does not claim authorship of any material included in this humor page, or any other humor page, unless specifically indicated. Feel free to copy and forward anything you like from this page.
Relationship Jokes |
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Why Men Don't Write Advice Columns I hope this helps. Cyanide A nice, calm and respectable looking lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, 'I would like to buy some cyanide.' The pharmacist asked, 'Why in the world do you need cyanide?' The lady replied, 'I need it to poison my husband.' The pharmacist's eyes got big and he exclaimed, 'Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband. That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!' The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife. The pharmacist looked at the picture and
replied, 'Well now, that's different. You didn't tell me you had
a prescription.'
Women's Ass Size Study
There is a new study just released by the American Psychiatric
Association about women and how they feel about their asses. The
results are shocking:
1. Only 5% of women surveyed feel their ass is too big.
2. 10% of women surveyed feel their ass is too small.
3. The remaining 85% say they don't care; they love him; he's a good man and they would have married him anyway. WOMAN'S POEM
A husband and wife were at a party chatting with some friends when the subject of marriage counseling came up. "Oh, we'll never need that. My husband and I have a great relationship," the wife explained. "He was a communications major in college and I majored in theater arts. He communicates real well and I just act like I'm listening." I Want to Kill My Husband A lady walks into the drug store
and asks the druggist for some arsenic.
The druggist asks "Ma'am, what do you want with arsenic?". The
Genie A woman was walking along the beach when she stumbled upon a bottle. She picked it up and rubbed it, and 'low-and-behold' a genie appeared! The amazed woman asked if she got three wishes. The genie said, "Nope, sorry, three-wish genies are a storybook myth. I'm a one-wish genie. So...what'll it be?" The woman did not hesitate. She said, "I want peace in the Middle East. See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting with each other and I want all the Arabs to love the Jews and Americans and vice-versa. It will bring about world peace and harmony." The genie looked at the map and exclaimed, "Lady, be reasonable. These countries have been at war for thousands of years. I'm out of shape after being in a bottle for five hundred years. I'm good but not THAT good! I don't think it can be done. Make another wish and please be reasonable." The woman thought for a minute and said, "Well, I've never been able to find the right man. You know, one that's considerate and fun, likes to cook and help with the house cleaning, is great in bed, and gets along with my family, doesn't watch sports all he time, and is faithful. That is what I wish for...a good man." The genie let out a sigh and said, "Let me see that dang map again.”
Homeless Woman One
day a
housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweat-shirt.
Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted,
"What setting do I use on the washing machine?" "It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, "honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?" "Probably that I married you for your money," she replied. Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking,
sensitive man? Friendship
Between Women:
To: My Loving Wife A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a
particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where
they spent their honeymoon 20 years before. Because of hectic schedules,
it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband
left Minneapolis and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying
down the following day. Quietly arriving at the house, the husband and cabby tiptoed into the bedroom. The husband switched on the lights, yanked the blanket back and there was his wife in bed with another man. The husband put a gun to the naked man's head. The
wife shouted, "Don't Do it! This man has been very generous! I lied
when I told you I inherited money. He paid for the Corvette I bought for
you. He paid for our new cabin cruiser. He paid for your season
Pittsburgh Steeler Tickets. He paid for our house at the lake. He paid
for our country club membership, and he even pays the monthly
dues!"
One evening after work, a man drove his secretary home after she had a
little too much to drink at a party. Although nothing happened, he decided
not to mention it to his wife. Later that night, the man and his wife were
driving to a movie when he spotted a high-heeled shoe hidden under the
passenger seat. Pointing to something out the passenger window to distract
his wife, he picked up the shoe and tossed it out of his window. They arrived at the theater a short time later and were about to get out of the car when his wife asked, "Honey, have you seen my other shoe?" A
man was driving down a road, and a woman was driving down the same heading
in the opposite direction. When
they passed each other, the woman leaned out her window and yelled
"PIG." The man
immediately leaned out his window and yelled, "BITCH!"
As the man turned the next curve, he crashed into a huge pig in the
middle of the road and was killed.
By
following the simple advice I heard on a Dr. Phil Show,
I have finally found inner peace. Dr. Phil proclaimed the way to
achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started.
Proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends late
one night, the drunk led the way to his bedroom where there was a big
brass gong. The
three stood looking at one another for a moment. Suddenly, someone on
the other side of the wall screamed: "You asshole ... it's ten past
three in the morning!" She recently returned to Kabul and observed that women still walk behind their husbands. From Ms. Walters's vantage point, despite the overthrow of the oppressive Taliban regime, the women now seem to walk even further back behind their husbands and are happy to maintain the old custom. Ms. Walters approached one of the Afghani women and asked, "Why do you now seem happy with the old custom that you once tried so desperately to change?" The woman looked Ms. Walters straight in
the eyes, and without hesitation, said, 5 Secrets to
a Perfect Relationship 1. It is important that a woman helps you around
the house and has a job. The Cruise DEAR
DIARY ... DAY ONE I am all packed and ready to get on the cruise
ship. I've packed all my pretty dresses and make-up. I'm
really excited. Three older ladies were discussing the trials of
getting older. One said, "Sometimes I catch myself with a jar of mayonnaise in my
hand in front of the refrigerator and can't remember whether I need to put it away or
start making a sandwich." The third one responded, "Well, I'm sure glad I don't have that problem, knock on wood." She raps her knuckles on the table, then she says, "That must be the door, I'll get it." Two elderly women were out driving in a large car.
Both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along they
came to an intersection. The stoplight was red but they just went on
through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself, I must be losing it, I could have sworn we just went through a red light. After a few more minutes they came to another intersection and the light was red again and again they went right though. This time the woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous and decided to pay very close attention to the road and the next intersection to see what was going on. At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was definitely red and they went right through. She turned to the other woman and said, "Martha! Did you know we just ran through three red lights in a row! You could have killed us!" Martha turned to her and said "Oh, am I driving?" The Bridge Party One day they were playing cards when one looked at
the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me...I know we've been
friends for a long time....but I just can't think of your name! I've
thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your
name is." Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes
she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, "How soon do you
need to know?" Dinner: An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating,
the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The two elderly gentlemen
were talking, and one said, "Last night we went out to a new restaurant,
and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly." One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end of the pond. One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!" The old man replied, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim or make you get out of the pond naked. I only came to feed the alligator." Six retired Floridians were playing poker in the condo clubhouse when Meyerwitz loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five continue playing standing up. Finkelstein looks around and asks, "So, who's gonna' tell the wife?" They draw straws. Goldberg picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse. "Discreet? I'm the most discreet mensch you will ever meet. Discretion is my middle name, leave it to me." Goldberg goes over to the Meyerwitz apartment, knocks on the door. The wife answers and asks what he wants. Goldberg declares, "Your husband just lost $500, and is afraid to come home." The wife says, "Tell him to drop dead!" "I'll go tell him," says Goldberg.
Went to the doctor for my yearly physical. The nurse starts with
certain basics. Southern, Cowboy and Farmer Jokes
From Tom: You have just received the "Alabama Virus". As we don't have any programming experience, this virus works on the honor system. Please delete all the files from your hard drive and manually forward this virus to everyone on your mailing list. Thanks for your cooperation. A couple of Arkansas
hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground.
He doesn’t seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out
his cell phone and calls 911. He gasps to the operator, “My friend is
dead? What can I do?” The operator, in a calm
soothing voice says, “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let make
sure he’s dead.” The guy’s voice comes back on the line. He says, “OK, now what?”
A Texas
rancher needs a bull to service his cows but needs to borrow the money
from the bank. The banker who lent the money comes by a week later to
see how his investment is doing. The farmer complains that the bull just
eats grass and won't even look at the cows. The banker suggests that a
veterinarian have a look at the bull. The
next week the banker returns to see if the vet helped. The farmer looks
very pleased. "The bull has serviced all my cows, broke through the
fence, and has serviced all my neighbor's cows." "Wow,"
says the banker, "what did the vet do to that bull?" "Just
gave him some pills," replied the farmer. "What
kind of pills?" asked the banker. "I
don't know," says the farmer, "but they sort of taste like
peppermint." The Cowboy An old cowboy went to a bar and ordered a drink. As he sat sipping his whiskey, a young lady sat down next to him. She turned to the cowboy and asked him, "Are you a real cowboy?" He replied, "Well, I've spent my whole life on the ranch, herding horses, mending fences, and branding cattle so I guess I am." She said, "I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower, watch TV, everything seems to make me think of women." A little while later, a couple sat down next to the old cowboy and asked him, "Are you a real cowboy?" He replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian. |
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