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Here's the Humor Archive Vol. I Reminder: Clever Magazine does not claim authorship of any material included in this humor page, or any other humor page, unless specifically indicated. Feel free to copy and forward anything you like from this page. |
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Oh-oh:
One evening after work, a man
drove his secretary home after she had a A woman's way of handling it . . . . . .
. . Women and Shopping A woman was in town on a shopping trip. She began her day finding the most perfect shoes in the first shop and a beautiful dress on sale in the second. In the third everything had just been reduced by 50 percent when her mobile phone rang. It was a female doctor notifying her that her husband had just been in a terrible car accident and was in critical condition and in the ICU. The woman told the doctor to inform her husband where she was and that she'd be there as soon as possible. As she hung up she realized she was leaving what was shaping up to be her best day ever in the boutiques. She decided to get in a couple of more shops before heading to the hospital. She ended up shopping the rest of the morning, finishing her trip with a cup of coffee and a beautiful chocolate cake slice compliments of the last shop. She was jubilant. Then she remembered her husband. Feeling guilty, she dashed to the hospital. She saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about her husband's condition. The lady doctor glared at her and shouted, 'You went ahead and finished your shopping trip, didn't you! I hope you're proud of yourself! While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself in town, your husband has been languishing in the Intensive Care Unit! It's just as well you went ahead and finished, because it will more than likely be the last shopping trip you ever take! For the rest of his life he will require round the clock care. And he will now be your career!' The woman was feeling so guilty she broke down and sobbed. The lady doctor then chuckled and said, 'I'm just pulling your leg. He's dead. Now show me what you bought.'
Why Men Don't Write Advice Columns I hope you can help me here. The other day I set off for work leaving my husband watching the TV as usual. I hadn't gone more than a mile down the road when my engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help. When I got back I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in our bedroom with the neighbor lady. I am 32, my husband is 34, and we have been married for twelve years. When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted that they had been having an affair for the past six months. I told him to stop or I would leave him. He was let go from his job six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. He won't go to counseling and I'm afraid I can't get through to him anymore. Can you please help? Sincerely, Sheila ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Dear Sheila: A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the vacuum pipes and hoses on the intake manifold and also check all grounding wires. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the carburetor float chamber. I hope this helps.
Dear Wife: You don't tell me you love me anymore; you don't want sex or anything that connects us as husband and wife. Either you're cheating on me, or you don't love me anymore. Whatever the case, I'm gone.
Your Ex-Husband
I DID notice when you got a hair cut last week, but the first thing that
came to mind was 'You look just like a girl!' Since my mother raised me
not to say anything if you can't say something nice, I didn't comment,
And when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused
with MY SISTER, because I stopped eating pork seven years ago. After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it out. So when I hit the lotto for ten million dollars, I quit my job and bought us two tickets to Jamaica. But when I got home you were gone.
Everything happens for a reason, I guess. I hope you have the
fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said that the letter you
wrote ensures you won't get a dime from me. So take care. The bride came down the aisle and when she
reached the altar, the groom was standing there with his golf bag and
clubs by his side. A husband and wife were at a party chatting with some friends when the subject of marriage counseling came up. "Oh, we'll never need that. My husband and I have a great relationship," the wife explained. "He was a communications major in college and I majored in theater arts. He communicates real well and I just act like I'm listening."
One
day a
housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweat-shirt.
Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted,
"What setting do I use on the washing machine?" "It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, "honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?" "Probably that I married you for your money," she replied.
Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking,
sensitive man? Quietly arriving at the house, the husband and cabby tiptoed into the bedroom. The husband switched on the lights, yanked the blanket back and there was his wife in bed with another man. The husband put a gun to the naked man's head.
The
wife shouted, "Don't Do it! This man has been very generous! I lied
when I told you I inherited money. He paid for the Corvette I bought for
you. He paid for our new cabin cruiser. He paid for your season
Pittsburgh Steeler Tickets. He paid for our house at the lake. He paid
for our country club membership, and he even pays the monthly
dues!" The Cruise DEAR
DIARY ... DAY ONE I am all packed and ready to get on the cruise
ship. I've packed all my pretty dresses and make-up. I'm
really excited. |
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