Women and Shopping
A woman was in town on a shopping trip. She began her day finding the most perfect shoes in the first shop and a beautiful dress on sale in the second. In the third everything had just been reduced by 50 percent when her mobile phone rang. It was a female doctor notifying her that her husband had just been in a terrible car accident and was in critical condition and in the ICU. The woman told the doctor to inform her husband where she was and that she'd be there as soon as possible.

As she hung up she realized she was leaving what was shaping up to be her best day ever in  the boutiques. She decided to get in a couple of more shops before heading to the hospital.

She ended up shopping the rest of the morning, finishing her trip with a cup of coffee and a beautiful chocolate cake slice compliments of the last shop. She was jubilant. Then she remembered her husband.  Feeling guilty, she dashed to the hospital. She saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about her husband's condition. 

The lady doctor glared at her and shouted, 'You went ahead and finished your shopping trip, didn't you! I hope you're proud of yourself!  While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself in town, your husband has been languishing in the Intensive Care Unit! It's just as  well you went ahead and finished, because it will more than likely be the last shopping trip you ever take! For the rest of his life he will require round the clock  care. And he will now be your career!'

The woman was feeling so guilty she broke down and sobbed.

The lady doctor then chuckled and said, 'I'm just pulling your leg. He's dead. Now show me what you  bought.'

Giving Up Wine 
I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman who asked me for a couple of dollars for dinner. 
I took out my wallet, got out ten dollars and asked, 'If I give you this money, will you buy wine with it instead of dinner?' 
'No, I had to stop drinking years ago', the homeless woman told me. 
'Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?' I asked. 
'No, I don't waste time shopping,' the homeless woman said. 'I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive.' 
'Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?' I asked. 
'Are you NUTS!' replied the homeless woman. I haven't had my hair done in 20 years!' 
'Well, I said, 'I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you out for dinner with my husband and me tonight.' 
The homeless Woman was shocked. 'Won't your husband be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting.' 
I said, 'That's okay. It's important for him to see what a woman looks like after she has given up shopping, hair appointments, and wine.' 

A woman's way of handling it . . . . . . . .  
A woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub.  She gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately.  She seductively signaled that he should bring his face closer to hers.  
As he did, she gently caressed his full beard.  
"Are you the manager?" she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands.  
"Actually, no," he replied.  
"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she said, running   her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.  
"I'm afraid I can't," breathed the bartender. "Is there anything I can do?"  
"Yes. I need for  you to give him a message," she continued, running her forefinger across the bartender's lip and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.  
"What should I tell him?" the bartender managed to say.  
"Tell him," she whispered,   "There's no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies room." 

The Zen of Sarcasm
1.  Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me,  for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me alone.
2.  The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and leaky tire.
3.   It is always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbors newspaper, that's the time to do it.
4.  Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
5.  Always remember that you're unique. Just like everyone else.
6.  Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
7.  If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
8.  Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
9.  If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is probably not for you.
10.  Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
11.  If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably a wise investment.
12.  If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
13. Some days you're the bug; some days you're the windshield.
14. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
15. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.
16. A closed mouth gathers no feet.
17. Duct tape is like 'The Force'. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.
18. There are two theories to arguing with women.  Neither one works.
19.  Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.
20.  Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
21.  Never miss a good chance to shut up.
22.  Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.