MENTAL HOSPITAL PHONE MENU
Hello and thank you for calling The State Mental Hospital. Please
select from the following options menu:
If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.
If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want, stay on
the line so we can trace your call.
If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be forwarded to the
Mother Ship.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will
tell you which number to press.
If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press,
nothing will make you happy anyway.
If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696.
If you are bipolar, please leave a message after the beep or before
the beep or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term
memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have low self-esteem, please hang up our operators are too busy
to talk with you.
If you are menopausal, put the gun down, hang up, turn on the fan, lie
down and cry. You won't be crazy forever.
If you are blonde, don't press any buttons, you'll just mess it up.
This coming week is National Mental Health Care week. You can do your
part by remembering to contact at least one unstable person to show
you care.
Really Awful
Groaners
Women's Ass Size Study
There is a new study just released by the American Psychiatric
Association about women and how they feel about their asses. The
results are shocking:
1. Only 5% of women surveyed feel their ass is too big.
2. 10% of women surveyed feel their ass is too small.
3. The remaining 85% say they don't care; they love him;
he's a good
man and they would have married him anyway. Steven
Spielberg was discussing his new project - an action docudrama
about famous composers starring top movie stars. Sylvester Stallone,
Steven Segall, Bruce Willis, and Arnold Schwarzenegger were all
present. Spielberg strongly desired the box office 'oomph' of these
superstars, so he was prepared to allow them to select whatever
composers they wished to portray, as long as they were famous.
"Well," started Stallone, "I've always admired Mozart. I would love to
play him."
"Chopin has always been my favorite, and my image would improve if
people saw me playing the piano," replied Willis. "I'll play him."
"I've always been partial to Strauss and his waltzes," said Segall.
"I'd like to play him."
Spielberg was very pleased with these choices. "Sounds splendid."
Then, turning to Schwarzenegger, he asked, "Who do you want to be,
Arnold?"
Arnold in a slow deliberate voice replied, "I'll be Bach."
There are many stories related to the sinking of the "Titanic".
Some have just come to light due to the success of the recent movie.
For example, most people don't know that back in 1912, Hellman's
mayonnaise was manufactured in England. The "Titanic" was carrying
12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz,
Mexico, which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after
New York City. The Mexican people were eagerly awaiting delivery and
were disconsolate at the loss. So much so that they declared a
national day of mourning which they still observe today. It is known,
of course, as: Sinko de Mayo.
|
