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From Canada:
A man owned a small business in British Columbia. The Wage and Hour
Department of B.C. claimed he was not paying proper wages to his
help, and sent an agent to interview him. "I need a list of your
employees and how much you pay them," demanded the agent.
"Well, there's my Mechanic who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him
$600 a week. The Mechanic's helper has been here for 18 months, and I pay
him $500 a week. Then there's the half-wit that works about 18 hours a
day, seven days a week. He makes $10 a week and I buy him cigarettes and
beer," replied the Owner.
"That's the guy I want to talk to -- the half-wit," says the
agent.
The Owner answers, "that would be me."
Two friends are walking in the
jungle. Suddenly a tiger appears in the distance running toward them. One
friend pulls a pair of 'Nikes' out of his bag and quickly puts them on.
With a surprised look, the other friend says, "You don't really think
you can out run that tiger with those?" "I don't need to out run
the tiger", his friend replies, "I just need to run faster than
you".
Oh-oh:
One evening after work, a man
drove his secretary home after she had a
little too much to drink at a party. Although nothing happened, he decided
not to mention it to his wife. Later that night, the man and his wife were
driving to a movie when he spotted a high-heeled shoe hidden under the
passenger seat. Pointing to something out the passenger window to distract
his wife, he picked up the shoe and tossed it out of his window.
They arrived at the theater a short time later and were about to get out
of
the car when his wife asked, "Honey, have you seen my other
shoe?"
QUICK WIT
A study in the Washington Post says that women
have better verbal skills
than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: Duh. --Conan
O'Brien
Two fish in a tank. One says to the other:
"Do you know how to drive this thing?"
Hot Air: A man in a hot air balloon
realized he was lost. He reduced
altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit
more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised
a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know
where I am."
The woman below replied,
"You are in a hot air balloon hovering
approximately 30 feet above the ground. You are between 40
and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees
west longitude."
"You must be an
engineer," said the balloonist.
"I am," replied the woman, "how did you know?"
"Well,"
answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is,
technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your
information, and the fact is I am still lost. Frankly, you've not
been much help so far."
The woman below
responded, "You must be in Management."
"I am," replied
the balloonist, "but how did you know?"
"Well," said
the woman, "you don't know where you are or
where you are going. You have
risen to where you are due
to a large quantity of hot air. You
made a promise, which
you have no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath
you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the
same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow,
it's my fault."
From the culturally incorrect file: LEARN CHINESE IN
5 MINUTES (say out loud)
1) That's not right.
Sum Ting Wong
2) Are you harboring a fugitive?
Hu Yu Hai Ding?
3) See me ASAP.
Kum Hia Nao
4) Stupid Man
Dum Gai
5) Small Horse
Tai Ni Po Ni
6) Did you go to the beach?
Wai Yu So Tan?
7) I bumped into a coffee table.
Ai Bang Mai Ni
8) I think you need a face lift.
Chin Tu Fat
9) It's very dark in here.
Wai So Dim?
10) I thought you were on a diet.
Wai Yu Mun Ching?
11) This is a tow away zone.
No Pah King
12) Our meeting is scheduled for next week.
Wai Yu Kum Nao?
3) Staying out of sight.
Lei Ying Lo
14) He's cleaning his automobile.
Wa Shing Ka
15) Your body odor is offensive.
Yu Stin Ki Pu
16) Great.
Fu Kin Su Pah
Actually, this isn’t really a joke. With
the Blue States, the Democrats have firm control of:
80% of the country's fresh water
95% of our pineapple and lettuce
92% of all fresh fruit production
93% of the artichoke production
95% of America's export quality wines
90% of all cheese production
90% of the high tech industry
Most of the US coal
All living redwoods, sequoias and condors
All the Ivy League and Seven Sister schools, plus Amherst,
Stanford, Berkeley, Cal Tech and MIT
We Blue States could start our own
country and live simply, but well.
The Red States, on the other hand, now
have to cope with:
88% of all obese Americans (and their projected health care cost spike)
92% of all US mosquitoes
Nearly 100% of all
tornadoes
90% of all hurricanes
99% of all Southern Baptists
100% of all Televangelists, Rush Limbaugh, Bob Jones University, Clemson,
Oral Roberts, and the University of Georgia.
Additionally:
38% of those in the Red States believe that Jonah was actually eaten by a
whale
62% believe life is sacred unless we're discussing the death penalty or
gun laws
44% believe that evolution is just a theory
53% that Saddam Hussein was involved in 9/11
Love is ...
If you love something, set it
free.
If it comes back, it will always be yours.
If it doesn't come back, it was never yours to begin with.
BUT...
If it just sits in your living room,
Messes up your stuff,
Eats your food,
Uses your telephone,
Takes your money,
And doesn't appear to realize that you had set it free.
Then, You either married it or gave birth to it!
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