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Aphorisms, etc...

(More email!)

 


Aphorism:  a short, pointed sentence expressing
a wise or clever observation, or a general truth

1. The nicest thing about the future is that it always starts tomorrow. 
2. Money will buy a fine dog, but only kindness will make him wag his tail. 
3. If you don't have a sense of humor, you probably don't have any sense at all. 
4. Seat belts are not as confining as wheelchairs. 
5. A good time to keep your mouth shut is when you're in deep water. 
6. How come it takes so little time for a child who is afraid of the dark to become a teenager who wants to stay out all night? 
7. Business conventions are important because they demonstrate how many people a company can operate without. 
8. Why is it that at class reunions you feel younger than everyone else looks? 
9. Scratch a cat and you will have a permanent job. 
10. No one has more driving ambition than the boy who wants to buy a car. 
11. There are no new sins; the old ones just get more publicity. 
12. There are worse things than getting a call for a wrong number at 4 AM. It could be a right number.  13. No one ever says 'it's only a game' when their team is winning. 
14. I've reached the age where the happy hour is a nap. 
15. Be careful reading the fine print. There's no way you're going to like it. 
16. The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size bucket. 
17. Do you realize that in about 40 years, we'll have thousands of old ladies running around with tattoos? (And rap music will be the Golden Oldies!) 
18. Money can't buy happiness, but somehow it's more comfortable to cry in a Corvette than in a Yugo.  19. After 70, if you don't wake up aching in every joint, you are probably dead! 
20. Always be yourself because the people that matter don't mind, and the ones who mind, don't  matter!

Our animal friends:

Dogs

If you want someone who will bring you the paper without first tearing it apart to remove the sports section, 
Buy a dog. 
If you want someone willing to make a fool of himself simply over the joy of seeing you, 
Buy a dog. 
If you want someone who will eat whatever you put in front of him and never says its not quite as good as his mother made it,
Buy a dog.
If you want someone always willing to go out, at any hour, for as long and wherever you want,
Buy a dog. 
If you want someone who will never touch the remote, doesn't care about football, and can sit next to you as you watch romantic movie,
Buy a dog. 
If you want someone who is content to get up on your bed just to warm your feet and whom you can push off if he snores, 
Buy a dog. 
If you want someone who never criticizes what you do, doesn't care if you are pretty or ugly, fat or thin, young or old, who acts as if every word you say is especially worthy of listening to, and loves you unconditionally, perpetually, 
Buy a dog. 
But, on the other hand, If you want someone who will never come when you call, ignores you totally when you come home, leaves hair all over the place, walks all over you, runs around all night and only comes home to eat and sleep, and acts as if your entire existence is solely to ensure his happiness... 
Then...
Buy a cat! 

The Cat

A man absolutely hated his wife's cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park. 

As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway. 

The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast out and headed home. 

Driving back up his driveway, there was the cat! 

He kept taking the cat further and further and the cat would always beat him home. At last he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and left the cat there.

Hours later the man calls home to his wife: "Jen, is the cat there?" 

"Yes," the wife answers, "why do you ask?" 

Frustrated, the man answered, "Put that son of a bitch on the phone, I'm lost and need directions!" 

Alligators
The Florida Fish and Wildlife Conservation Commission is advising hikers, hunters, fishermen, golfers and tourists in general to take extra precautions and keep alert for alligators while in : Alachua, Marion, Lake, Collier, Lee, Seminole, Osceola, Palm Beach, Polk, Brevard, Putnam and Orange counties.

They advise people to wear noise-producing devices such as little bells on their shoes or clothing to alert but not startle the alligators unexpectedly. They also advise the carrying of pepper spray in case of an encounter with an alligator.

It is also a good idea to watch for fresh signs of alligator activity. People should learn to recognize the difference between small young alligator and large adult alligator droppings.

Young alligator droppings are smaller and contain fish bones and possibly bird feathers. Adult alligator droppings have little bells in them and smell like pepper spray.


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