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Three old ladies were sitting on a bench outside a nursing home. About then an old man walked by, and one of the old ladies said, "We bet we can tell how old you are." The old man said "there ain't no way you can guess it". One of the old ladies said: "Sure we can. Drop your pants!" He did. The old ladies stared at him for a while and then they all piped up and said, "You're 84 years old!" The old man was stunned. "Amazing. How did you guess that?" The old ladies, laughed and
slapped their knees, "You told us yesterday". ----- At a nursing home in Miami, Florida, a group of Seniors were sitting around talking about all their ailments. "My arms have gotten so weak I can hardly lift this cup of coffee," said one. "Yes, I know,"
said another. "my cataracts are so bad I can't even
see my coffee." "I couldn't even punch
out the chad at election time, my hands are so crippled," volunteered
a third. "I can't turn my head
because of the arthritis in my neck," said a fourth, to which several
nodded weakly in agreement. "My blood pressure
pills make me so dizzy!" exclaimed another. "I guess that's the
price we pay for getting old," winced an old man as he slowly shook
his head. The others nodded in agreement. "Well, count your
blessings," said one woman cheerfully, "and
thank God we can all still drive.” ----- SENIOR PERSONAL ADS FOXY LADY: Sexy, fashion-conscious blue-haired beauty, slim, 5-4 (used to be 5-6), searching for sharp-looking, sharp-dressing companion. Matching white shoes and belt a plus. LONG-TERM COMMITMENT: Recent widow who has just buried fourth husband looking for someone to round out a six-unit plot. Dizziness, fainting, shortness of breath not a problem. SERENITY NOW: I am into solitude, long walks, sunrises, the ocean, yoga and meditation. If you are the silent type, let's get together, take our hearing aids out and enjoy quiet times. WINNING SMILE: Active grandmother with original teeth seeking a dedicated flosser to share rare steaks, corn on the cob and caramel candy. BEATLES OR STONES? I still like to rock, still like to cruise in my Camaro on Saturday nights and still like to play the air guitar. If you were a groovy chick, or are now a groovy hen, let's get together and listen to my boss collection of eight-track tapes. MEMORIES: I can usually remember Monday through Thursday. If you can remember Friday, Saturday and Sunday, let's put our two heads together. MINT CONDITION: Male, 1932, high mileage, good condition, some hair, many new parts including hip, knee, cornea, valves. Doesn't run but walks well. ----- While waiting for my first appointment in the reception room of a new dentist, I noticed his certificate, which bore his full name. Suddenly, I remembered that an athletic, good-looking kid with the same name had been in my high school class some 40 years ago. Upon seeing him, however, I
quickly discarded any such thought. This
balding, gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was too old to have
been my classmate. After he had examined my teeth, I asked him if he had
attended the local high school. "Yes, I did," he
replied. "When
did you graduate?" I asked. He answered, "In
1960." "Why, you were in my
class!" I exclaimed. He looked at me closely and
then asked, "What did you teach?" ----- Burma
Shave Signs: you remember those, right? DON'T LOSE YOUR HEAD DROVE TOO LONG BROTHER SPEEDERS CAUTIOUS RIDER THE MIDNIGHT RIDE SPEED WAS HIGH AROUND THE CURVE PASSING CARS NO MATTER THE PRICE A GUY WHO DRIVES AT INTERSECTIONS BOTH HANDS ON THE WHEEL THE ONE WHO DRIVES WHEN and last but not least: PASSING SCHOOL ZONE |
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