Clever Magazine, Spr '10 " It's all been leading up to this " (www.clevermag.com)

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It’s All Been Leading
Up to This

by Maria Gabriela Pereira

Maria is a graduate of Williams College with a graduate degree from Cornell University. An ex-toy designer, Gabriela has decided to pursue writing full-time with a side business designing and selling her own jewelry line. She lives in New York City with her husband and a trifecta of felines.

First you need to pick a day to do it; that’s the most important part. Don’t make it too close to a holiday, her birthday, or—heaven forbid—Valentine’s Day. This is one day you don’t want to piss her off so make sure you show up on time. Remember, this is a landmark moment in your relationship, like your first date, your first kiss, the first time you… ahem… you know. The point is, this is one day she’ll never forget so make sure you do it right.

Picking the restaurant is key; the wrong one could ruin this moment beyond repair. Choose one you’ve never taken her to before; there’s less baggage. If she’s vegetarian, don’t do something stupid like take her to a steakhouse. But if she’s vegan, then it’s a lost battle anyway so you might as well just choose someplace you like and leave it at that. And make sure the restaurant doesn’t allow cell phones or she might want to call her mother. Don’t go somewhere too fancy or she’ll start getting ideas, but don’t go to some hole-in-the-wall place either or she’ll think you’re cheap. No matter what you do, don’t go somewhere trendy or you might run into someone who knows someone, who knows one of her friends and then the news will spread so fast, you might as well have posted it on Facebook.

What you order is also important. Avoid any foods with names you don’t know how to say, like escargot or vichyssoise. Don’t be a hero, just order the green salad and the spaghetti. Actually, scratch the spaghetti. Knowing your luck, you’ll end up splattering it on your tie. Chicken. When in doubt, order the chicken. As for her, this is one time when you might as well let her order just a salad for dinner, because after this day there will be a lot of binging. Cake might even be involved. Not to mention alcohol.

Speaking of which, you want to make sure you’re tipsy enough to actually go through with this but that she’s sober enough to understand what the heck you’re about to say. If you split a bottle of champagne, you’ll wind up barely tipsy and she’ll be passed out under the table. nstead, order yourself a vodka tonic—or three—and let her have some girly drink, like a Cosmo or apple martini or one of those frozen fruity things with little umbrellas.

If you don’t know what to say at first, start by complimenting her dress. Make her feel pretty; women like that sort of thing… not to mention that it might help take some of the edge off and loosen you up. Next, talk about how long you’ve been together and how much you’ve grown as a person in that time. Don’t think too much about the punch-line or you might weasel out of it before you get there. And once you’ve said your thing, shut your mouth and keep it that way. From this moment on she does all the talking.

And seriously, if you want this to go your way, do not—I repeat, do NOT—end the evening by saying: “Don’t worry honey; we can still be friends.”