Clever Magazine, Spring '05 " A Stone Around your Neck " (www.clevermag.com)

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A Stone Around Your Neck

by Zaphra Reskakis

Twenty-two thousand dollars. Not a bad price to pay for immortality. Apparently the loved one, the heirs of the loved one, and the owner of the crematorium would agree.

Which of my heirs would quarrel with that? Both son and daughter could think, “Wow, mom who was a diamond in the rough and depreciated throughout life, is now a blue-white diamond appreciating in value. She who was like a stone around my neck is now truly a stone around my neck”

In a recent newspaper article, the gentleman from the crematorium, who perfected the technique, claims that a blue white diamond can be made from the ashes of a loved one. His reasoning is as follows. Diamonds are made of carbon. People are made of carbon. The logical conclusion is perfection of a technique to create a diamond from the remains and ashes of loved ones... be the loved one a pet or parent. No further details of the process have been revealed since I am sure that it is patent protected. The charge for conversion from skin and bones to diamond is from four thousand dollars to twenty two thousand dollars.

I assume that the lower price is for a small pet such as a fish, parakeet gerbil or small (very small) dog. Would price be dependent on both species and size? And then again, how would one be sure that the diamond is truly Tweety, Fido or mom and not a cheap diamond or even a zircon purchased in from a jewelry store?

Will the diamond be certified through DNA testing? Will it come with a provenance? Since it will be a blue-white diamond, will it also be flawless, just as the dearly departed was in life? After all, death does imbue perfection.

Can the diamond be cut to specification such as a solitaire or emerald cut, and can it be pre ordered because I am sure it must be prepaid? What would determine the number of carats? Does it then behoove one to maintain a good weight in life or is the carat determined by the bone weight and not the corpulence?

For fifty six thousand dollars one can mummify the dearly departed. And for pets, taxidermy is available for much less. Cryogenics which hunts at resurrection is another option. Unfortunately cryogenics has been receiving a lot of adverse publicity lately because of the unscrupulous behavior of some cryogenic experts who have allowed their patrons to defrost.

Decisions, decisions. Even though my insurance agent called my daughter and suggested that I see a psychiatrist, I think I will still go along with what I told him when he insisted on trying to sell me a burial policy. He asked me, since I did not want to purchase burial insurance, had I made other arrangements.

I said, “Yes, I told my kids to put me in a baggy and then whatever or wherever”

When he gasped, I said, “Of course, it should be big enough so that I will not be folded and uncomfortable.”