Wanna read the latest from Clever Magazine?
Click here and return to the coverpage!


Nobody move but me!

by Ken Carlson



Ken is the author of GET OUT OF MY WAY! The Annoyed Commuterís Handbook.


Everyone knows how stressful moving is. Itís on a list of cataclysmic life shocks, like losing a job, suffering a death in the family, going through a divorce, and listening to your friend talk about gluten. #GlutenSucksLactoseForever

Thereís the carrying of things here, the moving of things there; just the thought of here and there makes you want to scream Bonnie Tylerís Total Eclipse of the Heart into your pillow, again. #ScreamLikeNoOneCanHearYou

You were just getting comfortable from your last move, but now youíre preparing for another. You could panic about this, like some people you know who text and prattle to their coworkers endlessly about the intensity of this hardship. So go ahead and do that. You be you. Itís like when the Pilgrims spent sixty-six days on the Mayflower in their move from one home to another, with no apps for measuring their steps, calories burned, or scurvy. You donít have to brave this out alone. #OneTinSoldier

In the past youíve had to lead the charge in managing your moves. Youíre the thinker and planner in these difficult times, selflessly carrying on as others carry your things. Remember when you moved into the college dorm, your dad and mom pitched in while you carefully assessed the sunlight angle for your baby Ficus, Bailey. When you moved into your first apartment, Kris or Terry, whoever you were dating, was there to handle that pesky box spring and bureau, while you got ahead on that whole arranging-pictures-on-your-refrigerator-door conundrum. Then you initiated the break-up. #FicusFeverCatchIt

Everyone you know has changed apartments or houses lately. But your situation is so much harder, because itís yours and youíre owning it. Now, itís time to prepare for your next move. Itís not out of state. Itís not across town. You must get up off the couch and go to bed. #TheWaitingIsNotTheHardestPart

Uggh, why does this sort of thing happen to you? Donít others understand how hard it is to binge watch OCCUPIED, a very Norwegian drama with subtitles and closeups of boxy architecture; then get up! #SupportNorwayVisitIkea

The important thing is to get organized. Stay positive and blame others for your problems; then create a checklist to diminish some of the anxiety you now face. #IMatter

1.        Ask yourself if you really need to go to bed. Sure, youíve got to get up and go to work tomorrow. But you just got comfortable eight hours ago. Wasnít there a study on NPR about it being bad for people to get up too quickly from comfortable couches especially when throw pillows are involved? #CouchCushionsForPresident

2.        Maybe you should hire a mover! There are movers that handle pianos. There are others that specialize in priceless art. Maybe you should comparison shop and find someone to move you. Make a budget. Maybe make it an UBER thing. Schedule a time, call your friends and family to see who they know. They donít seem to be available when you call nowadays; like your parents last time who were home in Massachusetts, but claimed they couldnít hear you over the lava outside. #MoveMeNow

3.        What about your landlord? Shouldnít his lazy Super, the guy with the mustache who sports a sleeveless t-shirt, and barks at nice people to keep it down up there, that youíve never seen, but imagined looking like the Supers on Law & Order? Isnít this a service they should provide? #WeLoveDickWolf

4.        Plus, itís not just you. Look at all this stuff? Thereís your laptop and phone, which probably need a special box for the trip, labelled so youíll know where they are. There are piles of dirty dishes, take-out boxes, cruddy mugs for English Breakfast Tea all over the the coffee table. Thereís that Jennifer Egan novel youíre reading, or at least promise to this summer. Donít forget your dream journal because that is essential to recording your most important Facebook updates. There are the ankle socks on the floor and the half-ankle socks that youíre wearing but will probably remove soon because theyíre less like socks, more like someone elseís cotton skin since no one ever marked them L or R. Do you have to do everything yourself? #SockDrama

5.        Maybe there are some things you can throw it as part of this move. You probably donít need all those used Kleenex or napkins. Getting rid of them will be good for the planet, right? #EarthDayNow

6.        You donít need to fill out a change of address form. That would be stupid. But you better tell everyone on Facebook of your changing status, from COUCHBOUND to BEDDING, FINALLY! #BedroomStrong

7.        Utilities take care of themselves. They always have before, right? But you better make sure your SPOTIFY account is ready when you need it most. Remember that time you couldnít find all your favorite Wes Anderson tracks during your auntís funeral? OK, youíre right, too soon. #ImFabulousLikeMisterFox

8.        Check to see if you have enough boxes. You can never have too many. You heard your parents say that when they helped you pack. You think thereís one around here somewhere. That stupid Super should have more as well. He probably just carries them around all day, just in case. #BoxyButNice

9.        You should probably call in sick tomorrow. All this planning is draining. Your co-workers should be understanding. Wasnít it you who only took two extra days to recharge after that Jose Gonzalez concert? #SadLikeHeartbeats,

10.     What about your bedroom? Is it clean enough for your return? You donít want to head back to a horrible situation where the sheets are all tied up in a bundle and youíre got to readjust them so your toes can stick out the end, in case they get cold because you donít have the right socks. Where are your three-quarters or five-eighths length socks when you need them? What if you need more TV time to unwind once youíre in there? The bedroom TV is only a 43Ē HD model! The Norwegian TV stars you love wonít look as pasty! #Nightmare

11.     Forget UBER, use LYFT. They can carry you on your couch into the bedroom. Lift is in their name. They could bring more snacks. Everybody wins. Save that whole hornets-nest-of-a-quandry for another day. #TurnAround #LilDebbieIsReal


Find it here!     

Home | Contributors to Clever Magazine | Writers' Guidelines 
The Editor's Page | Humor Archive | About Clever Magazine | Contact Us

© No portion of Clever Magazine may be copied or reprinted without express consent of the editor.