Clever Magazine, Winter '09-10 " Always read the label " (www.clevermag.com)

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Always Read the Label

by Thomas Grantland

Thomas is a retired police officer from Branford Ct. He has been writing for about a year, and uses his observations as the basis for most of his work. He's now trying to find his niche in the writing world.

I recently purchased a container of fumigator spray to kill some creepy crawlies I had seen creeping and crawling around my living room. After I turned the container over five or six times to find the English directions, I noticed a very strange ad on the side of the box. It said “Penetrates deep to kill more bugs dead.” Ok, well that’s the way it usually works right, when you kill a bug it is dead isn’t it? I mean did they pay some ad agency big bucks to write this or did the company president think it was something cute his kid said. I killed it dead?

One day with nothing better to do I happened to read the label on the side of my liquid shower soap. I was actually holding a men’s product that said on the bottle “Guaranteed not to wash off testosterone.” Really? It was good to know I’d still be the same man after a shower as before. What if I had bought the wrong stuff and really washed it off? Then I’d be saying stuff like, “oh guys instead of watching hockey tonight what you say we rent “Beaches” and have a good cry, maybe do our nails?” Kind of scary if you don’t read the label before using.

My wife has a large collection of shampoos and conditioners in our bathroom, and for some reason I decided to read the label on a bottle of conditioner .One of the ingredients was hemp seeds from the cannabis sativa plant. Now why do you need marijuana seeds to wash your hair with and where does the company get them from? Is it legal to grow hemp for hair products and who checks the employee’s pockets at the end of each day? The problem now is that every time she drives by a convenience store her hair wants to stop for chips and ice cream.

I did forget to read a label on a product I purchased recently and it turned out very strange. I had heard about a product to help your sinuses called a netti pot. You mix some warm water with some packets of mix that come with it and some how it helps unclog you. So I bought one, took it home and opened up the box. Oh, cute it looks like a little teapot. Maybe I should read the directions first so I don’t hurt my self. And there in big print at the top of the English section of directions were the following words, ”for rectal use only do not attempt to use orally.” Whoa, that’s gotta hurt, and this is for sinuses? Maybe next time I should remember to “READ THE LABEL.”