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Back in the olden days
when I learned to drive, my father explained to me that the horn had a
larger purpose. It was to be
used to warn of unseen danger, not to flirt with that cute boy driving the
green GTO. It wasn’t for
tapping out little ditties like ‘Shave and a Haircut’, nor was it an
instrument of anger. It
wasn’t long before I realized that this viewpoint is not widely held.
The
horn has universal appeal as a communication device.
In Japan, it’s used to suggest that you move your car to the side
of the road as someone is passing someone else coming out of the tunnel
you are approaching. In
Germany
, harsh blasts clear bicycles and pedestrians off wide sidewalks to make
way for trucks hurrying to deliver their goods to market.
In
Africa
, horns take over for the roosters playing eight or ten note tunes
starting around
4am
. Inexplicably, ‘
Dixie
’ seems to be a favorite in
Arusha
,
Tanzania
.
In
the
United States
, the horn provides people with a variety of potential exchanges.
A short toot-toot notifies a fellow driver that you are in a good
mood and that he can move into the lane in front of you.
This message is accompanied by a smile and a wave.
A long raucous honk tells that same driver that your mood is rather
sour and that perhaps it would be wise for him to stay where he is.
A less friendly hand gesture and a scowl reinforce the point.
On
hot days while hundreds of cars crowd onto a narrow bridge from a four
lane highway, I sit motionless, tapping the steering wheel with my
fingertips and dreaming about things I’d like to say to my fellow
drivers. However, short of
Morse code, it would be impossible to translate my thoughts into beeps and
besides, I never forgot my father’s admonition regarding the
inappropriate use of the horn.
Seems
to me that an inventor should come up with an aftermarket device to mount
on the back window that would allow one to send flashing messages to the
cars behind. On sunny days, I
might share the joy with: HAVE A
NICE
DAY
! On rainy nights, I might
warn: KEEP SIX
CAR
-LENGTHS BACK! When I’m
feeling playful, I could throw down a challenge:
EAT
MY DUST! When I’m cranky, I
could take it out on the teenager behind me with: YOU DRIVE LIKE AN OLD
WOMAN!
This
voice activated scrolling marquis could double for the old fashioned
bumper sticker with quaint sayings like: I BRAKE FOR UNICORNS or
DON
’T BLAME ME, I VOTED FOR PAT PAULSEN.
Imagine the opportunities for parental bragging with notes like: MY
DAUGHTER IS BROWNIE OF THE YEAR or MY
SON
REMEMBERED TO CLOSE THE LID. When
feeling mellow, I could advertise my favorite restaurants with comments
like: I
GOT
MY CRABS FROM DIRTY DICKS. On
slow days, I might even wax eloquent about the weather:
HOT
AS HELL or FREEZING MY TAIL OFF. When
lonely, there’s the sexy come on: HELLO,
BIG
BOY
and of course, the famous return diss, MALE CHAUVANIST PIG, is always
available after a major inter-gender insult.
Internet
lingo offers a fuller range of passionate proclamations.
Things like <SMILE> come to mind or <
WINK
>. Short labels like <
HOT
CAR
> or <BEATER> would provide ways of complimenting or insulting
the automotive tastes of others. It
doesn’t happen often, but occasionally I make mistakes that annoy the
perfect drivers among us. I
think <OOPS!> or <DARN!> would be a good way to accept
responsibility, don’t you?
Be
sure to visit Joyce
Faulkner's website when you get the chance!
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