Clever Magazine, Spr '09 " The Big 4-0 " (www.clevermag.com)

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The Big 4-0

by Terri Coffman

Six-thirty Monday morning found me as it always did in front of the mirror fighting with my hair and putting on makeup to get ready for work. The morning news blared from the television. It reported one crisis after another: price of gasoline, banks on the verge of folding, stock market on the verge of collapsing, war in the Middle East on the verge of going on forever, and the presidential elections were just one huge smear campaign. It seemed there was no end in sight. Where was that silver lining I had always managed to find in any circumstance? It seemed to be hiding.

Gulping down the last of my second cup of coffee, with spit and a finger I wiped a smudge of mascara from underneath my eye, then stood back to observe my face. Although makeup can cover a multitude of imperfections, mine didn’t cover squat. There was a new wrinkle, and the dark circles and bags under my eyes seemed worse. The $50 tube of anti-aging, anti-wrinkle moisturizing cream guaranteed to take years off my face in 6 weeks had lied. My shampoo and conditioner also lied. Instead of being shiny, smooth, and luxurious, my hair was dry, dull, and frizzy. I looked like an unkempt poodle. With one swoop of my arm, I swept the whole mess into the trash.

Stepping back from the full-length mirror, it was not the shapely figure of a young, smartly-dressed business woman I saw, but a matronly figure in flat, sensible shoes, wearing a tent. The high-side of 40 was definitely showing, and if the news didn’t depress me, what I saw in the mirror definitely did. There was no way I could lose 10 years and 30 pounds by the New Year. Grabbing my purse and a Twinkie, I flipped off the television (literally), and headed for the door, slamming it behind me.

Stuck in traffic on my way to work, my 40-something mind wandered aimlessly. It seemed quite happy, so I let it. What it came up with didn’t exactly solve the world’s problems (or even my own), but I found myself smiling. And a smile in the face of adversity is one step closer to happiness:

The BIG 4-0 goes from ─

Jane Fonda’s workout three times a week to Sweatin’ to the Oldies, mood music with pizza and beer.

A sexy refrigerator magnet that says, “Eat, Get Fat, and Cry” to Fuzzy sheep with the declaration, “Ewe’s not fat; ewe’s fluffy!”

A coffee mug with the inscription “Men: what a wonderful hobby!” to“I’d rather be 40 than pregnant!”

You know you’re the BIG 4-0 when:

The comment, “You look like your mother’s daughter” turns into“You look just like your mother!”

truckers refer to your backside as a wide load.

your husband isn’t the only adult in the house with a moustache.

And what about those . . .?

Eye Cosmetics: They work on crow’s feet, but I’ve got the whole bird

Breasts: Help! They’ve fallen and can’t get up!

Rear End: Help! It’s fallen and can’t get up!

Legs: You could use my varicose veins as a road map to Georgia!

Teeth: They’re straight and pearly white ─ I put them to bed in a glass every night!

Reflections of the BIG 4-0. When did I:

stop being a Miss and become a Ma’am?

stop being one of the girls at the office and become den mother?

start wearing one piece bathing suits

trade in high heels for flats?

start wearing support hose?

stop thinking “pretty” and start thinking “practical?

change from, “I’ll go bald before I go gray!” to “I’d rather be gray than bald?”

trade in Victoria Secrets for Fruit-of-the-Loom?

go from Van Halen to Barry Manilow?

my romance novels get replaced with cookbooks, a How-to-Fix-a-Flat manual, an outdated road atlas, and back issues of Housewife Hum-Drum?

And, most importantly, when did the BIG O automatically get a 4 put in front of it?