As has been proven in countless university studies, all of them paid for entirely by the Procter & Gamble corporation, men don't watch soap operas very often. Beneath the scientific mumbo-jumbo that these reports produce, lies a very simple explanation for this phenomena – men just don't know the rules of the road in Soapland.

Men are, by nature, attracted to rigid rules that everyone can understand, provided, of course, that these rules don't require them to actually demonstrate personal fidelity to their mates.

This explains, in large measure, men's deep affection for sports. For example, ask a man to explain the icing rule in hockey. Now, he doesn't understand this rule, in fact, no one on this planet understands it, but he will happily launch into a two hour explanation of the rule that will inevitably describe the pre-historic development of hockey.  Though this man can't identify, plus or minus twenty-two months, the date of his wedding anniversary, he will instantly remember the final score of the first hockey game. (Cro-Mags–3, Trogs–1)

The most sensible thing for dedicated soap opera viewers to do is to lay out the hard, fast rules that control the soap operas. One benefit of this approach is that it may stop guys from asking stupid questions right in the middle of tense, emotional scenes on your favorite show.

1.  Everyone will live in a small town named Elmville. The town will havelittle airport with direct flights to every major city in the Western Hemisphere.

2.         Unruly or unattractive children are not permitted in the town limits.  Unpopular actors will suddenly acquire an acute case of amnesia and wander off to some other show.

3.         New characters will always be introduced in pairs, one saintly, one evil.  By Federal law, they will exchange roles every three years.

4.         Traditional matrimony is a state that only occurs on weekends, when the actors will be allowed to rest.

5.         Nothing of major importance will be allowed to happen except on Friday, and then, only in the last ten minutes of the show.

6.         No one in Elmville will be allowed to waste time playing golf on Friday afternoon.

7.         Or softball.

8.         Eighty-two percent of Elmville's population will have either an evil twin, or will suffer from temporary amnesia, blindness, or paralysis.  Or, if the actor has a long term contract, all of the above. The remaining citizens of Elmville will eventually display a dark side to their character.

9.         Elmville will have at least one dedicated doctor from a recognizable minority. This individual will come into conflict with another doctor who has been on the show for twenty years. Screen Actor Guild rules require that the established character have a wonderfully full head of silver-gray hair.

10.     A large proportion of Elmville's residents will be extremely wealthy corporate CEOs, who by all rights, should be living in ludicrously expensive penthouses in a major metropolitan city.

11.      The Elmville police force will be extremely busy, but ineffective. Only one dedicated, but seriously flawed detective is allowed to solve crimes. This will cause him or her much moral anguish.

12.   Baldness will be strictly limited to secondary characters.

13.     There will be at least one sensational murder-kidnapping-divorce          trial taking place in Elmville at all times.

14.         In the traditional New Year's show, the entire town will show up in the major character's dinning room to toast each other, and resolve that they will all obey the Golden Rule. The entire population of Elmville will break this resolution the following Friday, during the last ten minutes of the show.

15.   Susan Lucci will be permitted one Emmy award every twenty years or so.

These are straight forward, concrete rules that even men can understand. (At least as much as men bother to understand anything beyond the Infield Fly Rule.)

The kind of rules that men will discuss around the office coffee pot, and argue about right up to the time the boss comes up and sends them back to their cubicles to get some work done.

There is no doubt, that once men understood these rules, they will spend many a Friday afternoon arguing about the story lines on their favorite soap operas.

Assuming, of course that they haven't taken the afternoon off to play golf.

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