When my therapist spent my fifty-minute hour discussing her problem with a sofa she bought and furthermore asked me write a letter to the dealer, I realized it was time to change therapists.  We discussed my air conditioner letter, and my typewriter letter and my pressure cooker letter. But not we did not discuss my chaotic life.  Although I knew everything was wrong with my marriage as well as with my coping mechanism, she said everything was fine and continued dwelling on her sofa.

Those frenetic years, the one thing I did right was composing letters of complaint to offending vendors. My Westinghouse air conditioner would freeze up if the outside temperature was less than 75 degrees. As a result the machine stopped breathing cool air. Instead it exhaled a warm, balmy breeze and the room became warm and unbearable. I would wake with a start and run to defrost the air conditioner, especially if it was one of the rare nights my husband was sleeping at home. I contacted Stevens Appliances, where I had bought the offending machine.  They said, "Contact the manufacturer ".  After no results with Customer Service, I wrote a letter to the president of Westinghouse at his home. 

I explained, "If I wanted an appliance to defrost, I would have bought a refrigerator. Furthermore, the next time I have to get up  at three in the morning to defrost it, I will call you, and we can chat." 

Within one week, I got not one but two air conditioners; one from Stevens and one from Westinghouse. I also  had positive results with my monster, the Smith Corona typewriter that would not type and the Presto pressure cooker that refused to release my breast, chicken breast that is,  from its clutches. At first I felt great because I had impressed my therapist with my intelligence, but I guess some sanity must have prevailed and I stopped therapy.      

 I had occasion to think about those complaint letters when my twenty year old answering machine, who by the way  neither acted nor looked it's age, got drenched by a cup of coffee that I placed on its back. The minute the coffee seeped through its ribbed cover, is little red eye no longer lit up, and its voice stopped. It was blind, it was mute, and I bet it was deaf as well.  I decided to open the machine and explore its intestines. It was reluctant to open, but I was adamant. It finally opened, but I noticed a plastic bolt, or was it a nut, or maybe neither in my lap.  Apparently it fell out when I opened my patient. I inserted it in the only gaping area where it fit. I plugged in my hair dryer, put it on cold and proceeded to dry the wires and chassis. I then put the machine back together, plugged it in, and pressed the on button.  Nothing. I tried in fifteen minutes; still nothing.

  This situation was critical. I could not survive without my mechanical amanuensis I got dressed and hurried to Radio Shack, ten blocks away.           

The selection at Radio Shack was enormous. The prices ranged from $20 to over $100. They had the tape type and digital. Some were small, some large. Some had many features, some were simple and others were combination phone/answering machine.

I approached a salesperson, “Can you please help me?  I need an answering machine cause I drowned my other one in coffee. I don't know anything about them, but my friend told me to get a digital."

"Hi, I’m Randy and I can help you. These are the digitals. This one has a lot of features. You can...”

"Randy, excuse me. I am a dunce when it comes to mechanical things. I can't deal with all those buttons. Simple is better. How about this? I knew how to operate my other one because it was on or off and I never changed its tape in twenty years, but I guess digital is better.”

"Digital is simple. I’ll show you how it works."

"You're sure I won't have any trouble?"

"You'll have no trouble, it comes with a warranty, and you can always return it. It's on sale for fifty dollars."

"Okay. I'll take it."

" I have to go get one from the stockroom."

He returned shortly, "I don't have any in the back, but my manager said that since we don’t have the sale item you can have twenty percent off any of the other machines.”

"Gee, thanks that is really very nice of you, but now we're back to square one."

Randy said, “How about this one?  It’s a more expensive machine, but with the discount it ‘s sixty dollars. See it’s also simple to operate.”

 I gave him my credit card and  the sale was completed, but, as I was walking out the door, my eye spied a combination walk-around phone with an answering machine all in one. Randy, excuse me. Is this a complicated phone to use because my walk-around phone doesn't work too well either?”

“This is very simple to operate. Let me show you. It’s a great buy and only $150 with the discount. We can credit the other one."

“The credit was written.  The young man showed me how simple it was. The new sale was completed, and I went home with my new phone/answering machine. When I plugged it in and pulled out the encyclopedic directions for operating it, I immediately became distressed because now I had two machines to contend with. What would happen if one or the other needed repair? Did they both go? I couldn't figure where to start. I looked up the telephone number of Radio Shack."

"Randy, this is Zaphra. You know, I am the older lady with the answering machine. I'm okay but can I ask you something. If the answering machine goes, does the phone go dead too?"

"That's what I was afraid of. I have to bring it back and I'll buy the one I got credit for. What time do you close? "

I had about two hours to closing, but I was not about to wait; so back I went to Radio Shack. Randy smilingly credited my machine and rewrote the sales slip for my original choice. Randy showed me how it worked and put in the battery for me. It looked simple enough in the store but then I got it home. I looked at and realized I had to program this thing.

 I looked at it and thought, “How can I do this when I can't even set a digital clock?” I decided that I was not stupid. I could read so let me stop panicking and read the directions.  I meticulously followed the directions, pressed the on button, and waited. Dead as a doornail. I tried again. Nothing! I surmised that it was just my luck that this was a defective instrument. I had 20 minutes to get back to the store. Frazzled, I ran the ten blocks and got there as they were getting ready to lock the door. I heard a collective groan as Randy, the other salespeople, and the manager saw me. 

"Randy, this machine is defective. It doesn't work. You try it. Attach it to a phone and show me how it works please."

Randy said they could not attach it to a phone in the store. He tried to explain how it worked but I could not understand his directions.

I said, "I have to buy another machine." 

 At this point the manger came over. He said, "Randy, under no circumstances do you sell this nice lady a digital machine. I don't care what she wants. Sell her a simple one with a tape or we're going to have her in here every day "

I saw a plain answering machine that looked like a clone of my old machine. I walked over, picked it up and said, "This one is twenty five dollars. Do I still get my  discount?”

Although the manager readily agreed, I felt guilty and bought $20 worth of VCR tapes and a very simple VCR tape rewinder as well. The manager opened the doors to let me out. I had just made it. I dragged myself home and with fingers crossed, I plugged in my new machine, pressed the on button, recorded my message and breathed a sigh of relief as my new machine played back my message perfectly.

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