Clever Magazine: Issue 2, "Cloning Hitler" (www.clevemag.com)

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Cloning Hitler: You gotta be Kidding

By DianneK

Sociologists are probably laughing out loud over the fury that surrounds the newest scientific experiment. Scientists have made an exact copy of a sheep. I guess that means that they have sort of photocopied Mary's Little Lamb. Interesting choice of animal, since sheep are the archetypal followers anyhow.

But the controversy does not concern Dolly, the duplicate, herself. After all, who really cares if one sheep looks exactly like another one. The problem is with the domino effect, or, to put it another way: what precisely will the scientists clone next? As long as they stick with innocuous beasts like goats, pigs, cows, kittens and the like, nobody will blink, but eventually if technology follows its usual pattern, some scientist will figure out how to clone a human being. Apparently, that's the big problem. It seems to me that it would be boring to duplicate a human being, but the argument is being put forth that it might be unethical. And that is what should give sociologists the giggles.

But can it be done? I have no idea at all if it's possible. The genetics problem itself is nearly overwhelming, but by re-reading Michael Critchton's Jurassic Park and John Case's The Genesis Code, both good airport reading material, the optimist might be convinced to suspend his or her disbelief about the improbability of reproducing human clones.

For the sake of argument, let's say we were able to duplicate a human being. Just who would the first clone be? Someone famous or infamous, someone living or dead, a nobody or a somebody? Even figuring out the answer to that question should keep scientists busy for a long time. But eventually they would probably decide to choose somebody that everybody recognizes so we'll be able to verify the experiment.

I guess the choices would be limited to persons living or dead whose DNA could be recovered. The hunt would be on for suitable DNA. What if we found some unburned Hitler DNA, perhaps a hair sample that some misguided soul tucked into a forgotten locket many years ago. Another possibility: I heard that Einstein’s brain has been pickled in formaldehyde, and perhaps stored away in the Smithsonian, just waiting for such a day to come along.

Say we were able to make duplicates of these two famous dead guys. What happens next? They begin as babies, totally given over to adoptive parents. Well, there's a problem right off the bat. We don't know what Hitler's folks were like, or Einstein's either, for that matter. Imagine the families sitting around the table looking over the old photo albums. What a shock to see what they are going to look like when they grow up.

And what would the parents do to prepare these two little tykes for school? Read to them? Would Hitler’s parents read Mien Kampf to their little boy, and explain to him that he had already written the book in his previous life? And would little Einstein get a computer when he was three years old? Would he give out his email address? Join a chat room discussion of Star Wars?

Once they got to school, the other kids would undoubtedly tease them. Wouldn't that have some effect on their personalities? We know that Einstein was a difficult student the first time around. Would the new teacher recommend he work a little harder at his math drills since surely he knows by now that he’s a duplicate copy of the world’s greatest genius. Gosh what fun for a seven-year old. What if he rebelled and decided to become a professional bicycle rider instead of a math wiz. Could his duplicate overcome the call of his genetic code?

While Albert is out bicycling, let’s shift our attention to little Adolf. Would his parents tell him that he was considered by many to be the most infamous tyrant the modern world has ever seen? If they did, what would he do about that. Several possible scenarios come to mind, and these, of course, are the notions that send shivers down our spines. Would he try to create the master race again, only better this time, like maybe adding drug addicts, AIDS victims and uppity feminists to his list of undesirables? Or would he feel so sorry for what his former self had done that he'd try to make it up somehow. Would he have Parkinson’s, grow a mustache and chew on the carpet like he did the first time?

Given some time to think it over, I'll bet there are some people still alive today who would like to see a duplicate of Hitler standing before them, so that they could at last get the satisfaction of extracting a tortured revenge, even after all these years. YES! As for Einstein, I can't think of any reason why the world shouldn't have another copy of him to enlighten us a little more. And perhaps then we could put that one little nagging question to rest. Did that woman he had the affair with really do most of his thinking for him? That's what inquiring minds really want to know.